IF you’ve ever had the dubious pleasure of working in the office of a big company the chances are you’ve done this.
You’ve looked up from your own dull, banal work and focused momentarily on someone on the other side of the room.
This person never does a tap. You know it, they know it – everyone knows it. Every time you see their annoying grid the thought is there: ‘What does he do? Why does he work here? Why’s he getting paid for this? How the fuck does he get away with it?’
Every time I switch on the telly and Mark Lawrenson is ‘analysing’ the football this is exactly how I feel.
My hatred for him and his methods have been growing over the years like the alien in Sigourney Weaver’s womb, only without the benefit of hypersleep.
Lately, Lawrenson’s got worse – more misery, less knowledge, more bullshit – and the thought of another season of the bellwhiff’s bollocks means I’ve got to let it all out.
This is the alien bursting out of my chest moment so I apologise in advance…
EVERYTHING about the fella does my head in: the shit haircut, the crap shirts, the bulging belly, the camp voice, the I-know-better-than-you pose – EVERYTHING.
Bit personal? Maybe.
But Lawrenson’s made it that way by so utterly taking the piss in a job most of us would walk across a field of broken glass barefoot to do.
Here’s a fella that’s chauffeured around and paid handsomely to watch games for nothing and talk about them.
Meanwhile, we pay through the nose to watch those very same games and pay via our licence for this misery arse to tell us everything’s shit.
Well thanks for that, BBC. Thanks very much.
The fella acts like he’s adding gum to labels in a bottling plant or dishing out peanuts to pissheads in backsteet boozers.
I could understand his can’t-be-arsed demeanour if he was making cardboard boxes for minimum wage or delivering papers in the rain while simultaneously being legged by scallies.
Well ‘Lawro’ (that’s fucking annoying as well) I’ve done all of the above.
And believe me they’re infinitely more boring and soul-sapping than being paid a six-figure salary to watch football from the comfort of the press box or sitting in a plush studio.
Why can’t the Beeb see what the rest of the nation can see?
The fella’s a tit; a bore; a shit sneering parody of Victor Meldrew; an enthusiasm-sapping dinosaur who’s as relevant as Betamax.
He brings nothing to the table – no insight, no knowledge and definitely not any humour. The only time he cracks a smile is when it follows one of his own quips. And he’s the only one laughing.
Then there’s the cock ups. Time after time, he’s made gaffes, offended people, put his foot in it. Ample opportunity to move the fucker on, frankly.
Yet seemingly he’s bulletproof. He doesn’t even seem to bother his arse to apologise most of the time.
Has he got naked pictures of the BBC’s director general or something?
Because I find it hard to believe that someone somewhere believes he’s actually any good at his job.
The fella’s omnipresent as well – telly, radio, newspapers, he even popped up when I was playing a footie game on my fucking X-box once. Why? Why him?
WHY?
Someone please tell me why….
That could be a good selling point for FIFA over PES, “we haven’t got Lawro” should be put all over the packaging.
Great article, have been driven crazy by Lawro’s inane drivel week in week out and his shameful comments on anyone born outside of Engerland ! During the Euro’s Lawro decided to throw in one of his best Xenophobic comments ever when he said “Joachim Löw ! I bet his wife is called Herr Flick”. For fuck sake the war is over although you seem to be living in the past you idiot. I don’t need to be told Liverpool are making a substitution I can see that numpty.
Lol Paul. Nice one!
Yeah and lawro is so patriotic he declared for Ireland. So his xenophobic rhetoric is even more puzzling but then that is the enigma that is our Mark
Its even worse when he commentates on England as all I can think is that you were born in England and decided to play for another country. Surely they can see his opinion is invalid before even listening to his drivel.
Can I ask though: one bullet and Lawrenson and Beglin in front of you. I may go for Beglin first.
Fuckin nonsense. So you HAVE to play for the country you were born in ??? Do you want a list of ‘English’ people who have represented England ?
Missing the point lawro is now a xenophobe towards other people who are not English, but he jumped ship as soon as it suited him, and I’m Irish so I not slagging him off for playing for Ireland but for his hypocrisy
Playing for a country other than where you were born doesn’t invalidate an opinion. Plenty of second generation Irish feel utterly Irish, and the same goes for other nationalities. Lawrenson does resort to lazy national stereotypes, but him not having played for England is irrelevant.
By the by, the first part of this Lawro series was absolutely great, but with each more visceral, graphic attack I am starting to feel more and more sympathy for him. Best stop this now, AW, what do you reckon?
I’d stand them in front of each other, but Chiles first, then Beglin then Lawro and pray to god the bullet was strong enough to penetrate all three.
Listening to him during the Euros was fucking painful. And I’m Irish so I know all about the Euros and pain.
The thing is, because his analysis on Pro Evo is scripted and generic, it’s more insightful and relevant than his real-life commentary.
Thats the funniest take-down i have ever read. And the most painfully accurate.
Hes a parody of himself. Some local people here in DK often say “wish we had MOTD”. I for one am glad we dont. But only for one reason. That prick. Oh and the biased work experience like editing.
Feel better now Robbo? Can’t wait for the next expert assassination – or can I do the one on Garth Crooks, before his head explodes, or his eyeballs burst ….
My facebook status at the end of the Euros was “Best thing about Euro 2012 – Spain, Worst – Undoubtedly Mark Lawrenson” I fucking meant it, he’s so shite at his job it’s unreal, BBC get rid of this tit, and get rid of Crooks and Mark bright while you’re at it.
Please can these peices on Lawro be forwarded to Points of View?
Bellwiff’s Bollocks!!!! Hahaha. I always compare him to some sort of Uncle Knobhead character who wears cream slip ons and sock suspenders! Utter Blend!
I think you should come of that fence your sitting on, Gareth…All of it true though
The BBC haven’t got a clue. They always take the easy and unimaginative route with hirings; need a fat actress – here’s Dawn French. Need someone large, clumsy and posh – that Miranda Hart is good. Anything else – try Stephen Fry or Sue Perkins. When it comes to sports pundits, particularly football, they’re even worse. They’ve recently earmarked Mick McCarthy and Harry Redknapp for the MOTD team. ‘Nuff said.
The only way “Lawro” wouldn’t look out of place is if Smashy and Nicey came back!!!!!
Last night showed that there’s a bigger problem. ITV’s pundits consisted of Strachan (‘jokes’), Dixon (holiday?) and Southgate (FA yes man). Lawro’s far worse and he’ll never be forgiven for the ‘Can we get back to football now?’ during the six minute HJC protest v Arsenal but there’s a dearth of people who have genuinely interesting things to say about the game.
Ive long-wondered what Lawrenson asks for in the barbers.
He must literally have to ask for “a Lawro”.
Haha!
To be honest I always thought there was something very substantive about ‘Lawro’, you know a bit like tuberculosis.
Honestly I don’t why you’re all picking on Lawro (well, I kind of do). I would say all ‘pundits’ are broadly as bad as each other. Rarely if ever do they enhance your understanding of the game or offer any insight whatsoever. You get the feeling with the BBC they employ the safe option, people who won’t rock the boat and once employed basically stay employed. The only two pundits I actually like are John Barnes and Graham Taylor who mainly does a bit of co-commentary now and then. They both offer however much you disagree an insight into tactics, their past experience and something beyond the mere 90 minutes playing side of the game. The broader problem is the format of football presentation. With BBC there is absolutely zero input from fans or those attending matches. Their pundits don’t even necessarily go to the fucking games and basically repeat the same boring shit every week. Hansen can fuck off as well. I think I would like to see James Richardson, John Barnes and Taylor together and or possibly Guillem Balague but I don’t like him as much as the others.
EVERYTHING about the fella does my head in: the shit haircut, the crap shirts, the bulging belly, the camp voice, the I-know-better-than-you pose – EVERYTHING.
Magnificent.
Anybody who thinks the public should ‘go easy’ on ‘Lawro’ should try to pull their heads out of their apathetic arses. Lawro has a hugely over-inflated sense of self worth. He just confabulates from his colon. He is a slimey dick with no redeeming features whatsoever and he comes across like a twisted old fruit. You’d think he was cast out of his family by the demeanor of him. That’s probably true. His family must cringe and tightly squeeze their arse cheeks together when he’s doing his bore-annoy routine on MOTD.
Lawro simply feltches himself and any interest viewers may have in analysis is quickly dispelled and the nation groans in unison – every time Lineaker announces the condescending prick. But the BBC like Lawro’s type. Especially in the upper echelons of controll. However, we can avalanche the BBC’s comments and complaints departments with compelling urges to sack the most depressing and ungrateful man in showbiz – or launch an FB campaign to ‘relegate Lawro’ – Could be good for morale ;)