IT rained there, didn’t it? I was kind of hoping it would get called off for a bit.
A couple of things about the rain. Point one, it’s the enemy of the baldy man. You ask any baldy mate they will tell you the same. When you are clinging on to the dying embers of your follicles the last thing you want is rain.
Wazza Rooney must have been gutted when he got up this morning and opened the curtains. For a man who has had more than one hair transplant it must be pretty dispiriting to look in the mirror every morning and see a steak and kidney pie dipped in a mixture of gravy and cat hair staring back at you.
Speaking of gravy, one man who would have been made up this morning was Sam Allardyce. He loves nothing better than letting the rain wash over his big, fat pork chop jowls and licking his lips for a free portion of meat juice. Keeps a couple of chips in his kecks pocket, you watch, he will break them out and rub them all over his grid in a minute, and lash it down like a fucking seagull.
I often find myself wondering about what Allardyce has for his tea. For a man with full access to a really high level of nutritionists he is always sporting a chop full of sores, isn’t he?
Karius: 8
Great save from Yannick Bolasie. Seriously, a great save. He’s starting to look pretty good, isn’t he? Great catch at the end when the world thought he was going to drop it.
Clyne: 7
Looked like he hadn’t really been away first half. Tired like the rest of the team last 10.
Degsy: 8
Great foul first half when Theo Walcott tried to break. Well in. Part of a defensive unit that is excelling, so is right for that Degsy.
Big Virg: 8
Was absolutely desperate for that freekick to fly in. Probably would never have gone home and I’m watching it at home, so that’s some claim. I’d have had to get off the couch, shrug this hangover off, get a wash, get changed and leave the house to never go back again. Probably for the best that it didn’t go in, in fairness. Boss the way he just heads everything away, isn’t it? Would quite like to spend the afternoon lying up against him on the couch.
Klavan: 7
Was desperate for him to get the winner. Did well really seen as though he has been missing for about three months. Just got off, went for a walk. Found him last week living in a cave by Skem.
Hendo: 7
Pressed well, worked hard, looked a bit leggy.
Milner: 7
Probably our best player first half. Constantly trying to break their meaty lines and was unlucky on a few occasions. Great shot, good save by someone with baby’s arms in fairness.
Wij: 8
Kept teasing Rooney as the deepest midfielder, rolling him for a laugh. Was arlarse. Like laughing at a three-legged dog. Good to see him having a go in that role before taking the piss in it on Tuesday.
Sadio: 7
Looked bright as he has done for the last few weeks. Made up he got a rest but we missed him when he went off.
Solanke: 6
La, you have got to score that one there first half, haven’t you? He’s got a new technique for trapping the ball that he must have patented because I’ve never seen anyone else do it before. It involves kicking it against your own head. It’s pretty impressive really. Not his fault that he isn’t Mo Salah or Roberto Firmino but could do with scoring at some point.
Danny Ings: 6
Grafted but looked a lot like a lad who hasn’t played footy for two years.
SUBS
Oxo-Chambo: N/A
Comes on, rags there lad nearly lashes one in the top bin. Didn’t do much else mind you but everyone around him was jiggered. Jesus Christ, did you see that close up of Farhad Moshiri, Bill Kenwright and the mystery sunglasses auld fella? No point me writing anything about that really as it will only get took out for libel reasons.
Firmino: N/A
Was shite. Which doesn’t happen often. Good clearance last minute though and then great foul when we were out of shape.
Trent: N/A
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A draw was a decent result considering everything. Another point on the board. Top 4 is getting closer.
Solanke has to realize if you don’t take your chances to impress, you are of no use at a top club. Origi was poor last season but still far more useful to the team than Solanke is proving.
I said before the match I’d take nil nil and no injuries so got what I wanted.
Mad how utter shite Bobby was when he came on, like he’d never played footie before.
Probably just teasing city into thinking he’s crap so he bag a few Tuesday night, we’ll in Bobby
Mr. 7/10 “Nate Dogg” Clyne as if he never missed a beat.
Obviously, Firmino was given instructions not to get injured doing any mad goal celebrations, which explains quite a lot.
Rags to Riches at LB nearly did my head in. Seems more Moreno is now firmly in competition with for the informal “least likely to catch a break” contest going around the squad.
Found myself entertaining fantasies of Virgil using his neck like Stretch Armstrong to get on the end of literally every ball in the box. Long way away from the inspirational sights of Skrtel stretching opponents’ shirts to unnatural lengths and Sakho flopping like a fish on solid ground.
Ings and Solanke – surely ONE of them must score! Surely!
Has there ever been a derby that felt more like the fulfillment of an obligation? Like having sex simply because you can’t get out of a promise, nobody finishes and both of you walking away feeling slightly empty and thinking, “Well, at least no one booed.”
Hey Walter. I was wondering what your thinking is about the Handsome Hologram™️?
He’s starting to look and act the part of a proper keeper isn’t he?
Or is that just me?
Enjoyed the ratings Ben. Draw wasn’t the worst, and the ‘regulars’ not unduly knackered (says a very unfit person). Feel a bit for Solanke, not easy to just come in…..but….Ah, he’ll get one soon.
Thought Clyne was superb considering he’s been out for so long, an 8 for me – outmuscled by Tosun at the end but was probably more to do with match fitness. Would love to see him start on Tuesday and Trent moved forward to play on the right of a midfield three to give us that athleticism and defensive solidity – Gini in the middle holding like today and Milner giving Robertson protection on the left – Ox to come on if we need a goal.
need a forward next season,mybe two
Ings played some lovely football and linked up play well.look again some of his little dinks and that were great. Just unlucky. An easier game he looks a star. Same as Solanke.its not easy with his rule today but he was everywhere throwing himself about. Also look at his chance again and he’s lucky to make a connection as he has just got landed himself. A goal will do them both wonders
Thought ings did well today also. Cant knock his effort for sure.. is he good enough though?
That intro bit about big sam was practically vintage Ren & Stimpy. Amazing And hilariously twisted…onto the rest
Milner easily our best player
I think Solanke is getting off easy here because of the good feeling about.
First touch was terrible and still hasn’t scored.
I appreciate he’s still very young and learning but I’ve seen nothing from him that suggests he’s ready for the Prem league yet.
Origi was better in his first season at a similar age. Maybe a loan deal would suit next season. The lad needs to be playing regularly and we need better back up for our front 3.
Best yet Ben you are a class act.Breaking my pork chops laughing.
Karius’s personal stylist: 10. He’s got “blue steel” down pat and now they’re able to work on this goalkeeping lark. Top save. The whole package.
Gini: 8. Looked more positive going forward, especially first half.
Gini’s arse: 11. Had Rooney tightly clenched. A sitter for the no.6 role if Can isn’t fit for Tuesday. Deserves its own contract. I hope it’s well insured.
Hendo’s mustache: 3. An awful facial caterpillar. More moth than butterfly. On a par with Dani Pacheco’s neck beard.
Didn’t know they had caves near Skem, but Klav deffo lives in one. Brilliant.
Another brilliant piece from Big Bad Ben. Always looking forward to these now.
Given the strength of the team we put out and with our thoughts mainly on Tuesday night, Everton would be kicking themselves for not taking this chance to finally beat us after 8 years.
Brilliant stuff…and an even better result in the context of what followed. I’m hoping that Tuesday will devolve into little more than Big Virg cradling De Bruyne for 90 minutes as the ruddy-cheeked Belgian maestro pours out his heart as to why Jose rejected him twice. Hush now Kev. Virg has got you.