Pre Match
YOU can’t look at them teams and think anything other than a Reds win is in the post. I mean, The Reds are boss, aren’t we?
That Liverpool side is the same one that beat Manchester City except we are causally dropping in Big Virg and his giant’s body in place of Degsi Lov and his jarg one. That looks a bit auld arse on Swansea at this stage. Degsi Lov doesn’t make the bench, ill apparently. I tell you what, he mustn’t wash his hands before he eats his tea him, mate. He’s like a kid in nursery, catching all kinds off every sick little fucker. He’ll turn up with a nit comb and a bottle of conditioner in his wash bag next week. Get him some personal hygiene lessons eh Reds, or on second thoughts…
Anyway, pre-match prediction is a routine 2-0 win for The Reds. Big Virg at the back making up for our lack of a goalie and offsetting the absolute panic stations that sometimes kick in when we are twatting someone, for no apparent reason, like one of their lads has just turned into the walking dead when going up for a header, fancied taking a chunk out of our lad’s neck. Pre-match idea of letting Big Virg play in the goalie kit and Loris Karius with an outfield top on hopefully isn’t needed.
Half Time
Poor tempo, poor choices, poor technique; should still be winning. Turns out Big Virg might be a bit scared of zombies as well which is a real shame. Had a piece of carrot cake halfway through there, between 21 and 24, was the highlight.
Post Match
Did more than enough to not lose. A mistake for the goal, again, cost The Reds. Mildly irritating, that. Disappointing that Big Virg was at fault as I quite like the idea of him being the golden arrow solution to all of our ills.
The Reds, while they didn’t play well, were unlucky. If you think they weren’t you need to have a big read of the dictionary or alternatively go away. The thing the manager will be most pissed off about was the slight panic which set in when we couldn’t break them down. We need to learn to keep playing football instead of having stupid shots or lashing it in the box. It is the football of the idiot, that.
Larius Karius: 6
Starts with an extra point for not being Big Si The Mig as per. Going to be made up when Kloppo makes him captain next week until the armband falls off his arm and it turns out that Marty McFly is his lad and he has gone back in time to make sure his ma and da meet, but the German Biff has just give him a hiding in the car park and Karius’s arms are disappearing and have been for weeks. You fucking wait till Marty gets his ma and da necking in the gym. He will be like Ray Clemence.
Nothing to do except pick the ball out the net. Went upfront for the corner at the end and had a lovely big watch of the goings on. He is good at that.
Joe Gomez: 5
Gave the ball away a lot first 20 and did a boss dive in with no chance of winning the ball. End product was pretty poor from an attacking sense first half, not enough threat, but then he is a centre half playing right back. All things considered, he should have enough inside his head to not shoot from the corner of the penalty box, ever.
Big Virg: 5
Glorious ball for Mo Salah where he twatted it over the bar. Shite header for their goal really, as was the clearance which led to the corner — should have hit the halfway line. At least we will always have the derby, I’d have paid £75million for that alone. Caught the “I’m going to score from 40 yards” off Joe Gomez, who caught it off Emre Can, who caught it off some contaminated blood from the walking dead. Knock it on the fucking head.
Joel Matip: 7
Played centre mid there first half for a bit, didn’t he? Then went upfront, like a dad playing with the lads. Nearly scored but decided to back heel it like Buckaroo instead. Liked his aggression today, thought he played well.
Andy Robertson: 6
Booted their lad loads which was sound, but doesn’t half love lashing it into the box instead of keeping the ball. Maybe that was why he wasn’t getting his game. Was unlucky in the second half with the ball across the face and was a bit more of a threat.
Emre Can: 5
Great ball for Sadio Mane first 10 where Mane should do better but is simultaneously unlucky. Nothing else to do, or did nothing else. One or the other. Must have changed his boots at half time for a pair crafted out of Thor’s hammer as everything he touched ended up in the Liverpool fans. Remember his overhead kick against Watford last year? Yer, so does Emre, tried it in the last minute. Thorred it over the moon.
Gini Wijnaldum: 5
Pulled a loose thread off his top first half when the ball was out of play.
Alex Oxo-Chambo: 5
Worked hard but had limited quality on the ball. Sound with space to run into. There was no space.
Mo Salah: 6
Great movement for the big chance first half, unlucky with the finish as that is dead hard to do, you know. Does really well for the Mane chance too. Grafted, tried to pick something apart. One of them, wasn’t it? Should square that one last minute but he has probably earned the right to have a pop, unlike any of our centre halves ever.
Sadio Mane: 6
Like Mo Salah, boss movement for his chance but could possibly do better with a sharper first touch. Unlucky for the one just before half time. Played number 10 for most of the second half. Tried his best, worked hard, didn’t quite work out for him.
Rob Firmino: 6
Tried all day long to get something going upfront. Intelligent hold-up play, bright ideas, trying to create something out of nothing until he faded last 10, but he has got to score that fucking header there, hasn’t he?
SUBS
Danny Ings:
Ran about loads, but ultimately so fucking what?
Phil Coutinho: 10
We won’t miss him every week. But we will miss him when teams don’t want to play footie. He can beat a man or two or three out of nothing. No one else in our team can. Would suggest it might be a good idea to try and find a bit more of that somewhere seen as though we can’t play him no more.
Maybe we can inject some pound coins with some of that zombie blood that was knocking about, form the shape of Coutinho out of them, and Frankenstein the ball right into the back of the net.
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Disgraceful. Same shite, different season
Depends on what we do from here on in, mate.
10-4-1 in the 15 league games post Spurs. That’s 34 points out of a possible 45 with 40 goals scored and 13 conceded. 2,267 points per game. If they keep that up there should be no complaints. So screw your heads back on, everyone. What happens next is what matters.
Well put Riddick….
The players must be told how to play, so does Jurgen say “Just go out there against the worst side in the league and play slow, predicable football.” I doubt it, so why does that happen – does my head in.
Lol funny u, coutinho 10. . Haha
Awful tonight, think Ings was ok when he came on. Can was dreadful- couldn’t trap a bag of cement tonight and was determined to smash their floodlights!
One of those isn’t it – up the frustrating reds!
Mane a 6? I give him a 2… A 4 for the number of passes he actually got to a team mate minus a point for slipping 5 yards from goal. And minus a point for trying to con the ref for a penalty TWICE!
He was absolute fucking shite today!
Thanks for the laughs Ben, needed that :)
Harsh on Danny Ings, I thought he did well when he came on. We were woeful tonight unfortunately. When the defenders are shooting from outside the box, you know you’ve ran out of ideas. There was no patience at times and too often than not, players just made the wrong decisions.
Forget what I said last week: fucking hell, we are way off good enough to compete for the title next season…
Seriously, can it be more typical Liverpool FC than this? I only strarted supporting this club in 1989 as an ugly 13 year old Belgian kid and I hardly have known it any other way than this. That’s why I love this club, they mean everything to me and they always will! But it’s getting harder every year, it has te be said…
I saw two things today that worry me a bit again. Trust me, it’s nothing new and you probably have read this a hundred times before:
1) Liverpool can be a fantatsic team to watch when they are allowed to play. We saw it last week, we saw it in the Champions League this season, we see it against teams like Leicester City who not only put 10 man behind the ball. Than we have players who can drive us forward, keep on putting pressure and eventually break teams down. But when we play against teams that park busses from the halfway line all the way to their own box, we look pretty avarage at times. We lack creativity and with Coutinho gone I simply don’t see anyone in this team to fill in that role. And teams will keep frustrating us that way. The most frustrating games this season: Burnley at home, Manchester United, Everton, West Browich Albion and today. All parking the teambus… Everybody is talking about our defense as being ‘the main problem’ (which it is), but the lack of a creative midfielder who can pass the ball and open up spaces (a Gerrard, an Alonso…) is probably Liverpool’s biggest problem since Stevie G. left.
2) Klopp is a great manager, but he isn’t a tactical genius. A game like today’s proved it once again. I jsut don’t get it why you start with Gini and Emre Can in a game like this. Wijnaldum can be a brilliant player on his day (last week!), but more often he is pretty damn avarage! And when you play a team like Swansea that has no intention to attack whatsoever, he is simply useless. Start Lallana, be more positive and you never lose today, in my opinion. Try something else sometimes, throw in guys like Woodburn and give them the experience they need to get on to be better players. If you don’t loan them out, what sense does it make not giving them game time? I just don’t get that. His subs are not the smartest either. They often come way to late and today I would have brought on Solanke instead of Ings. You are 1-0 down, you don’t create enough and you bring on a striker who had 11 minutes of football all season and hardly any football in the last two years? That’s asking a lot from the guy, to be honest… All respect to Ings, but he wasn’t the man to break them down. Solanke is a more fysical guy, who probably was a bit harder to handle for their defenders near the end of the game.
And Ben, sorry I have to say: some of your ratings are pretty generous. Wijnaldum, Can and Oxlade were awful, should be a 4 at best. And Mané frustrated me a lot today as well, how on earth did he even get a 6? Lost the ball constantly, never gave the intention to be a game changer and should have scored just before half time!
Appart from that: forgot tonight already, bring on West Brom! Another bus parking night at Anfield… Should expand the car park instead of the Anfield Road stand… Over to you, Mr. Henry!
Up the magic (but bloody frustrating) Reds!!!
Despite everything, we had 6 or 7 good openings. Swansea had nothing.
If we convert the Salah or Mané chance it’s a different outcome. What is the response then to the game? Do we chalk it down to the old “sign of a good team winning when they play shite”.
My mate summed it up
“Can, I’ve never seen a player take as long to make a wrong decision ”
He’s so slow. He was immense physically against City last week, but now I hope he heads off.
We got too far ahead of the ball and too stagnant. The opposition manager compared us to a Formula One car stuck in traffic. They saw us coming and somehow beat us with barely any chances.
We had 8 men v 5 for their corner. Defending should be straight forward for professional players. I wouldn’t really blame Virgil for the goal. He was reaching over team mates.
Maybe we thought we had it won before we started…..
We could have built towards a top four points cushion to help CL run….
Need to buck things up for Huddersfield
The usual drivel from Ben. Consistency is to key Ben. Stay shite.
Coutinho does nothing this game as well. We didn’t “miss” him. We played poorly. We had more than enough chances.
Yeah, I thought so too. Had enough openings to win the if we were on it. Poor passes/decisions/finishes cost us.
It is the panic for their goal that does us in (as per usual), Virgil, Firmino, Can and Gomez all get sucked in against two of their lads leaving the space for Mawson so sweep it home. It is also the panic that does us in at the end. We were creating enough chances to win (thought Lallana grew into it and started to do bits here and there) but then on 70 we started to panic and lash shots crosses. 20 mins is more than enough to score 2 against a tiring Swansea. Calm the fuck down guys, as otherwise the anxiety is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
This game was always going to be about the mentality of the team, always. Playing the bottom of the table side after beating the top of the table side – and after close rivals have just dropped points – the circumstances were perfect for our annual shocker. Virtually every supporter knew these are the kind of games where Liverpool don’t turn up so why didn’t the team and management seem to acknowledge that and act accordingly? Every time it looks like we might break this pattern we just end up reinforcing it.
We need a big lad up top to get onto balls thrown into the mixer. Is Peter Crouch still alive? Is Benteke? Andy Carroll?
I had the feeling that a Monday night against the shite-est team in the league with a new manager bounce was destined for misery. Overjoyed to have the gift of shite prophecy. Bring on West Brom!
JUST BAD.NEVER GOT GOING,LEAVE GINI AT HOME,WHEN WE PLAY AWAY
Great write up as always Neil. Your misery always helps to soothe my own. And there’s plenty of misery to go round – that’s two years in a row that a defeat against rock bottom Swansea feels like the end of the world.
Give Liverpool a battle and we’re all-conquering. It’s why we probably still have a chance of going deep in the Champions League. But we have far too many players who only make sense in a proper contest, and who fade into utter mediocrity against a disengaged opponent. The situation is nothing new, the culprits aren’t new either, and yet the song remains the same.
It’s not really his fault at all, but seeing Danny Ings come on last night broke something inside me. In a situation where United have significantly strengthened (no matter how desperate they look with the crazy fees and wages they’re paying), where even Arsenal in real terms have already probably stood still and are now on the verge of signing Aubameyang for £50m (about £15-20m in old money), inaction from us in bringing in another attacker is looking more and more like it would be negligence of the highest order. And that’s whether Sturridge stays or goes.
And it’s not about wanting new shiney things – it’s about simply standing still. Sadly I’m not expecting much. Klopp just about got away with his brave decision to wait on adding a centre back in august, but I fear stubbornness rather than pragmatism in this situation might cost us dearly.
Haha think that long comment I posted went in the wrong piece, sorry! Good ratings and that though Ben!
Coutinho was involved in about five thousand of these games for us.