SOME things I love and hate about weeks like this one:
1) I hate the waiting
I hate the way I put my life on hold. The treading water. The way the days just drag. The way my work suffers and my relationships become distractions. I force the time away, in the manner in you do as a child counting sleeps to Christmas.
This makes me guilty and full of self loathing. I’m a ‘top Red’ and a bit of an existentialist, too. I know the here and the now is the only truth I’ll know. There’s nothing in the great beyond for me. That’s for you fools in your churches and your temples. For me there’s just despair. And here I am wasting what precious little time I have left waiting. Waiting for Villarreal to come to town. To see the Mighty Reds line up. To make me whole again.
2) I hate the fear
The sense of foreboding. The feeling that you’re careering towards a miserable destiny. The intuitive irrational certainty that life just can’t get as good as you imagine it might be if Liverpool FC actually won this massively important football match. How happy I might be. How much greener the grass might seem. How much sweeter the birdsong. How perfect the new day. And yet how undeserving am I of such bliss. I’m not worthy. Just a wretch in a schemer’s scheme. Nothing as truly achingly beautifully perfect as a decent Liverpool win over Villareal will come my way. It can’t happen. It won’t happen.
3) I love that the superstitious pessimism may prove ill-founded
That there’s a possibility that this could be a week I remember for a very long time. That on Thursday night I may find myself punching air in unbridled ecstasy. Again and again and again. That I may end up hugging my kids tighter, friends and strangers harder. That everything may feel just right. Just perfect. That all that I think can’t be mine, can be mine. That I may enter the kingdom of Heaven.
4) I love that I might wake up Friday morning, and probably Saturday and Sunday morning, and that my first thought might be that Liverpool are in a European final
That I have that most enormous of treats to anticipate. Immediately plans will have to be made. I’ll be able to schedule every aspect of my life around the impending event. Like a wedding to prepare for but so much more important. The cycle will begin again. The knowledge that this will be it now. The moment of truth. A semi is a semi, but a final is the one in which all is revealed. And that’s what is so great about football. Its finals can never be anti-climatic if you care enough. There are only two outcomes. Win/lose. Joy/despair. Life/death.
5) I hate that we might actually win and then I’ll have to go through the anxiety of 1) and 2) once more
I don’t think I can take the strain. I wonder how I might handle these situations should I make it to my twilight years. Can old buggers deal with these stresses and dramas? Do their organs just fail them under this weight? Is victory actually a greater burden than defeat? With great power comes great responsibility. Or something like that. I think this was what Eric Fromm was on about in Escape From Freedom.
6) I love the sense of community
You know in weeks like this that you definitely not walking this one alone. That you can pass people in the street in your town, and know that they are part of a collective consciousness that is now overwhelming us all. This is best embodied in cup final weeks. I remember when I was younger, and Liverpool got to more finals, that the city was in a better rhythm of preparation for them.
Not long after the semis you’d start to see Liverpool flags in windows if you drove down the likes of Park Road or Smithdown Road. Church Street vendors would be all rigged out and stalls bedecked in red and white. That great big WHSmiths that used to be at the foot of Church Street would dedicate their window display to us. To the Reds. Something good was going to happen. Just saying it could even make it happen.
7) I love hyping up my boys
My two sons. They’re ages apart (Danny is 17, Rafa is 7) but at these times we all synchronise. We all feel we’re roughly the same age as each other. We talk about the game endlessly. We watch other football just to get ourselves match fit. We nudge each other as we pass in the hallway. Three days, Ill say. Manly punches to the arms. They’re going through what I’m going through. Every bit as much. The shredded nerves, the tingling spine, the fear/ecstasy paradox. I made them this way. It may be my most enduring legacy. They will surely go on to destroy the lives of their children and their childrens children. Good. Wouldn’t have it any other way.
I love that as I sit here now everything is still possible. All permutations. All outcomes. My misery. My happiness. I love that I’m fretting about Emre Can’s fitness for the fight (he’s fit, according to today’s press conference). That I’m having imaginary conversations in my head with Jürgen Klopp about Daniel Sturridge.
“You’re not seriously thinking of starting without him are you, gaffer? Don’t do that to me. Ok, I’m calm, I trust you. You know what you’re doing.”
But does he? What if he doesn’t? What if Jürgen actually hates me and is plotting to ruin my life by not doing enough to get Liverpool FC to win this semi final?
Stop doing this to yourself. It’ll be fine. The fella on the telly said we’d win. He’s right. We’re good. We’ll be fine. Be rational. The lads need you to be at your best. You in particular. You, embody all the hopes and dreams of Liverpool glory. You and your paranoias and superstitions. Don’t mess up now. You’re so close.
Make it stop. Make it start.
Destiny’s 11: Mignolet; Clyne, Toure, Lovren, Moreno; Can, Milner; Lallana, Coutinho, Firmino; Sturridge.
Read: Liverpool: Kick Out The Jams, Brothers And Sisters
Listen: Villarreal v Liverpool Preview (Free Preview Clip Above)
Oh so many permutations. Gonna be stuck in a meeting for this one. Not the first time on this run, same happened in previous rounds, but this time I´m on minutes duty meaning constant checkings of my phone could be in danger. Do I wait it out or persevere with the checks? Constant checks saw positive results against the mancs and in Germany so I believe I have my answer. Oh how I´m pining for thing 4. Up the all consuming Reds!
Amen to that. Lucas for Kolo. Just a feeling in that he’ll want to play out from the back more. Not sure about Bobby, the way he’s playing. Hope he proves me wrong but boy does he love to give the ball away.
Can’t argue with you being undeserving.
I wish I’d never have read this in hindsight. Wasn’t really thinking about it too much and now my nerves are shot to bits. Why, Rob? Why would you do this?
tremendous line this as sometimes think I don’t want my 9 year old to care as much as I do about LFC, “I made them this way. It may be my most enduring legacy. They will surely go on to destroy the lives of their children and their childrens children. Good. Wouldn’t have it any other way”
Just brilliant stuff
Jesus! that was an intense read. I know there are 10’s of thousands who feel like you/this about tomorrow but it’s strangely comforting to know I’m not alone. I sometimes feel like taking some Valium a few days before and getting woken up a few hours before the match. I find the wait unbearable. I too, often wonder will I feel like this when I grow up. Is there an age when it stops and although you’re bothered it doesn’t become the be all and end all.
I remember driving home from work a couple of years ago and as I drove through Knutsford the road was littered with trees that had been blown over. There must have been 20 on one stretch of road of 5 miles. I actually saw one come down. I got home and my first thought was ‘thank god for that. Imagine if one of those trees had landed on my car, I’d never of known whether we beat Fulham tonight’. Strange how the mind works. We did though and I’m made up I was able to watch it. Brilliant ball by Gerrard from just inside their half with the outside of his foot to set up the equaliser. I’ll be honest, I’m very apprehensive about tomorrow. What I’m forgetting is we’ve got Klopp now. I had the same belief under Rafa but as Klopp is fairly new – confidence hasn’t become a formality yet.
Absolutely love your contributions to TAW, Rob.
Sharing a massive simpatico with you on thinking/musing/dreading too much about a bunch of young men kicking around an inflatable ball.
Surely Dante described one of the more hospitable circles of hell as being something akin to this endlessly dragging week.
Now, if I can only convince you (and Klopp) that Allen is undroppable…
We all have our “churches and temples”. Some readers would say Anfield was theirs. Does that make them fools?
Win/Lose , Life/ Death. Really?
Football actually isn’t more important than life or death. We know that better than most. Don’t worry ’bout a thing
Obviously, you’re absolutely right. I presume it’s a figure of speech but for those of us that are here what is more important this month than tonight? What will make us feel more alive than tonight? The answer is nothing.
Hi Robin, kidding? This month?
Most important since 13/14 season!!!!
That was amazing Rob. So so true.
I have definitely been clock watching for 2 days now and it’s the final straight.
I want this, i need this……i think Liverpool does too
A brilliant read! Cheers Rob. You’re ready, Jurgen is undoubtedly ready, and so am I! Really hope the boys in Red are too
lucky socks.check
lucky tshirt..check
left trainer on first.check
favourite red scarf.check
brush teeth from left to right.check
last drink whisky chaser.check
ready to go.check
Hi Rob.
Being an arl fella now,I can tell you it does not get any easier as time passes.
Only main games I have missed was Hillsborough 89 and the Istanbul in 2005.
My brother in law Tim passed away on Saturday and although he was not an avid fan like me,we talked about the istanbul game where we watched it in his local pub.His mates were all bluenoses and of course overjoyed at the half time score.
We had to sit there and listen to their tales of what a great team we were playing against and we were lucky to be only 3 down.
The first goal went in and I noticed the change in their faces,they stopped talking and before it even went to penalties they had gone despairingly into the night.
They left saying you bastards will win this,even then hoping that we would lose.
Tim and I had a good laugh about that last week,and it cheered us up,it will be the last memory I will have of him.
Just want to get to the final now,the rest I can put on hold.
Hahaha you’ve a kid called Rafa! Brilliant! You are an extremist!
I’ve had to watch the last five matches of the cup on my phone for work reasons. Now I’m free to watch it in the pub tonight but I’m too scared to change the system in case I fuck it all up.
You write brilliantly Rob!
Anxiety coming your way for the Final.
Been having similar imaginary discussions with Jurgen. The sight of Sturridge beaming both after the goal and at the full time huddle was something to behold. Just hope their relationship can hold. Liverpool need a fit and happy Daniel Sturridge. You don’t need me to tell you how good he is!!
Great piece Rob. I feel like this before every big game and wonder why my dad (a United fan, boo!) doesn’t seem to exhibit any nerves.
‘It’s having kids that does it.’ I always thought. ‘Once you become a parent you realise there are more important things in life than football.’
Well, you’ve just shattered that illusion for me. I’m going to be 98, a great grandad, and still shitting it aren’t I?
Up the Basle-going Reds.