I’D LIKE you to attempt something for me.

I’d like it if you would, just for one brief moment, try to imagine what it must feel like to be a ‘Rolling Stone’. Now by that I don’t mean a pebble on a hill, I mean a ‘Stone’ Stone, a Rock Star Stone! Try to envisage, if you can, what it must truly feel like to be Sir Mick Jagger – living legend, World Famous A-list Star, Rich List Multi-Millionaire, member of the 66 most powerful Old Age Pensioners in Britain and decorated Knight of the Realm.

Try to visualise how it feels to be the leader of a group of men, a group as massive, as talented, as enduring and iconic as his Super Group is. Try to conceptualize being the front man in the biggest selling group of recent times, being the face (albeit resembling a Walnut’s ball bag) of a group revered all around the planet. A group that sell more t-shirts, key rings, bedspreads and posters than any other group in existence. A band of men that could sell out Old Trafford week in week out and whose fan-base is spread as far and wide as South America, The Middle East, Asia and…wait for it…Milton Keynes! Can you imagine how amazing that must be?…To be in the second greatest band there ever was!

That’s right…The ‘Second’ greatest band! Now I don’t care what you say, whether your glass is half empty or full, whichever way you look at it, that’s GOT to fu*king hurt!

Last week I tweeted a tweet on Twitter; it read something like this…

Manchester United could win FIFTY titles, but they will always be the Rolling Stones of Football. Good…just not ‘quite’ that band from Liverpool.

This throwaway thought was retweeted more times than a Roy Hodgson defence. Why? Because people just got it! It was a very simple analogy that could not be disputed. Manchester United ARE a great side…but they will NEVER be that group from Liverpool.

Now, before Manure fans jump down my throat, it could have been much worse for Alex. He could have been a Beach Boy? A Monkee?…or even Sir Cliff Richard! But in a week that might see him survive Christmas, New Year AND his 70^th Birthday celebrations, that famous red nose (most topical at this time of year) is perhaps worthy of a belonging on a Stone.

So, if Sir Alex is Mick Jagger, then who could be King Kenny?

I would liken KK to Paul McCartney of course, THE greatest living practitioner of his craft; but as McCartney has actually HAD the honour of being knighted (something that still shamefully eludes KK), it’s only right he should be Lennon.

So, for the purpose of this analogy… Arise KING KENNY LENNON.

These two alter-egos seem fair and true to me. After all when it comes to making music in the arena, at least Kenny Lennon could play. Oh Sir Mick might have tried in his youth, but when sat next to the King I’m sure he realized he was never any Kop.

Like Lennon, King Kenny took time out of the game to ‘watch the wheels’, only to return to a business clearly missing his skills. As for Fergie, well, just like Mick Jagger the old man doesn’t know when to retire.

Many times Sir Alex Jagger’s group have TRIED to emulate King Kenny Lennon’s boys. Yes it’s true you cannot polish shit… but you CAN roll it in glitter! Over the years the second greatest group in British history have shamelessly mimicked those boys from Liverpool…

Exhibit One: King Kenny Lennon has his group photographed in a park with trees in the background, looking cold and standing in a line…

So what does Alex Jagger do?…

Exhibit Two: Sir Kenny Lennon and the boys pose for a Team Photograph in Psychedelic 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 4th choice kits (note the Cyan & White) and with colours in the foreground…

So, later that VERY year, what does Alex Jagger do?…

And which of these two White Albums d’you think came first?…

OR…

With just two weeks separating their release, it’s little wonder Kenny Lennon wrote the following lyric:-

I, I, I, I, I…Roll a Stoney, yes you can imitate everyone you know, yes you can imitate everyone you know!…I told you so! (Dig a Pony)

Now, I have a theory on all this.

Could it be, that in all the time Sir Alex Jagger has been busting his moves on the touchline…he has secretly longed to turn his back on the crowd and conduct that great band from Liverpool? (That same crowd that turned their back on him when getting stuffed 4-1 at home).

Could it be that Sir Alex Jagger has always longed to play for US?!

This footage would certainly suggest so…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IX5gPQGRKbI

And as described by Kenny Lennon himself in this next clip…Feeling like ‘Kings’, the Liverpool boys even gave Sir Alex Jagger’s lot a foot up on the ladder…(only to show them later on how it really SHOULD be done…)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-8QEX3_aVig

As for the NEXT generation of Sirs and Kings…all I can say is that judging by this Photograph, Paul Dalglish had better keep his eye on Darren!…

In 2004 I worked with Malcolm MacDowell, movie legend and Liverpool FC fan. Malcolm told me a story one night about how in the late 70’s he had been living in New York City and hanging out with Lennon and Jagger. He recalled to me a story about being at a party hosted by Jagger at his luxury apartment on the Upper East Side. Just a mile across Central Park on West 72^nd Street, lived John Lennon. Jagger took MacDowell out onto his luxury terrace, pointed across the Park and said, without any hint of irony…

“Malcolm…d’you see over there? … That is where the KING lives!”

Back in present time I like to picture an equivalent conversation. I like to picture Sir Alex, (whilst taking his family out for a round of golf at Birkdale’s world-famous crazy golf centre), stopping his car in a plush tree lined street, pointing to the Dalglish residence and saying much the same to his Grandson.

I imagine the conversation going something like this…

FERGIE:

                                 (Glaswegian Accent)

Right ma wee laddie. D’ya see that there big classy joint…That there is the Palace of Dalglish. Now I know you’re forced to call me ‘Sir’ Grandpappi and that you have to call ya Grandma ‘Lady NANI’…but in that there hoose sits the KING. The King was born not far from Sir Granpappi and is a legend at Liverpool Fitba Club, a club SO famous and SO successful that they’re the very stuff of fairy tales. Many years ago, Sir Grandpappi foolishly went on record, saying that he would knock the Mighty Liverpool from off their lofty Perch. I really wish I hadn’t of said that laddie. King Kenny managed to amass the same amoont of European Cup medals in 6 short years than our entire fitba Club has won since 1878…Three! I mean I’ve only won two masell laddie, in twenty five years of bloody trying! And at that rate we’re not due to knock Liverpool off their perch ‘til 2048…by which time poor Sir Grandpappi will be 107 years old!

 

GRANDSON FERGIE:

But Sir Grandpappi, you’re ‘assuming’ that Liverpool won’t win another in those 37 years!?

 

  FERGIE:

Don’t answer Back Laddie! It’s my birthday…Now let’s go and find a wee dram I can cry into!”

Yes (as Mancs will rush to tell me), The Stones ARE still going strong. Yes they ARE still filling football grounds and ARE still winning plaudits. These facts we Liverpool fans do not deny. It’s very obvious to see that Man Utd are sometimes good, often popular. Like the Rolling Stones themselves they’re surrounded by groupies young enough to be their daughter’s friends (and very often are!). Like the Stones they have a book of celebrity lovers as thick as Rooney’s weave. Brunettes like Eamonn Holmes, redheads such as Mick Hucknall and blondes like Patrick Kielty. Yes, Manchester United ARE ‘almost’ the best. But, alas… just like The Rolling Stones, they can play on and play on until they drop dead on the stage, but they will forever feed off the scraps at the foot of another’s table and shade their faces in the shadows cast by lads that SHOOK THE WORLD. They will NEVER be those boys from Liverpool.

And that, my friends… is just a FACT.

A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL LFC & BEATLES FANS (and Happy 70^th Birthday to Sir Alex ‘Jagger’ Ferguson) from @scotwilliams