Ben Johnson’s player ratings for The Anfield Wrap after Wolves 1 Liverpool 3 in the Premier League at Molineux Stadium…
I MISSED the first half an hour.
Well, when I say I missed it, I mean I listened to it on the radio while driving my lad back from footy, which given what went on must be similar to hiding in the loft and listening to every person you have ever loved be disembowelled in the bedroom below.
It was like an assault on my central nervous system, would have gladly sliced my fucking ears off Van Gogh style if some fucker had a knife. Honest to God. My bird was in the passenger seat looking at me like I had gone insane. Maybe I had. It’s unsurprising.
Dealing with Queens Drive whilst listening to Martin Keown commentating on your Nan being waterboarded will fucking do that to a person. It’s a fucking miracle I didn’t just do a ghostie raarr over Millers Bridge and straight into the river.
At one point, after some fucker had given the ball away again, I gave serious consideration to just swinging the door open and dropping out onto the Drive doing 40, fucking Grand Theft style. It would have been a blessed relief. Christ.
Anyway, fuck me. How are you meant to just pop along with normal life now after that. Shouldn’t there be some kind of debrief. Emotional support? Fucking anything? A pat on the back?
Fuck me.
Alisson: 7
I mean, I missed him having to do anything of any note apart from have loads of touches when all I wanted was him to twat it to Skem instead of finding one of our lads and retaining possession. Inconsiderate bastard.
Joe Gomez: 6
When I got into ours after I finally escaped my Guantanamo Audi, and he was playing in centre mid when we had the ball I nearly dived through the fucking telly.
I mean, he isn’t a right back, never mind a fucking right back who should be moving into midfield and becoming an extra playmaker. No wonder he looked like he had been on a roundabout for an hour when he come off at half time. It was an insane request, that. Fucking insane.
Does much better second half when we simplify his position.
Matip: 6
Poor for their goal. I watched a replay at some traffic lights. That was a nice touch. Like connecting your own car battery to your plums, never mind waiting for your interrogators to find you.
Quansah: 8
I thought he was Liverpool’s best defender till Konate came on. Looked the most assured.
Robbo: 8
Great second half. Back to his old position and it showed. What a run for the goal and what a finish. Fucking made up.
Mac Allister: 5
I missed the bad bit at the start, but I mean I will hear it in my dreams tonight over and over, fucking Keown and Sam Matterface – which is frankly a fucking ridiculous name – repeating on fucking repeat about how he didn’t lose the ball at Brighton.
I don’t know lads, maybe he has just played a game on top of a fucking mountain three time zones away. Maybe that was the fucking reason he was a bit shit. That and, well, The Reds had Joe Gomez running around like it was training and he was floating between both sides, with a fucking bib in his hands.
Sob: 7
Was great second half when The Reds had a proper shape. Bossed the game. Loved it.
Curtis: 7
Again, see above. Grew into the game second half and loved the celebration with his mate and all our mates in the crowd. Scouse that.
Mo: 8
Just all the assists. All of them. And people are discussing selling him next year. Fuck that, why sell him? It’s not your fucking money. Great ball for Robbo.
Gakpo: 7
Funny player him, isn’t he? Looked mega last year, but I think he was having a bit of hard lines maybe in that when he plays and Nunez doesn’t, you just notice how much less of a threat he is and how much worse The Reds are as a consequence. Maybe that says more about how much better Nunez is this season than it does anything about him.
Great movement and finish for the goal, though. Last touch. That’s funny.
Jota: 7
Not really his day today.
SUBS
Elliott: 7
Was great again when he came on, loads of energy, loads of quality as well. Jürgen loves bringing him on when the game is a bit stretched and there are tired legs knocking about, makes all the difference.
Does really well for the goal and even better for the hurdles. Belter celebration. Reckon after he had been swarmed and nearly had his eyes squeezed out of his head for a good few minutes by the boys he might have had second thoughts.
Diaz: 7
So dangerous in them situations, made a few poor decisions at times but the link-up play with Nunez is so difficult to defend against.
Nunez: 8
Looks so good this season. So good. Just such a threat. Great workrate without the ball.
Konate:
Mega when he came on. Get him on the yoga, Reds, save his muscles.
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Good to have you back Ben. Don’t leave it so long next time
Fuck yeah Benny! You’re back! And so are the Reds!
You are boss! Please do these every week!!
Amen