THAT was a summer, weren’t it?
What have you been up to? I’ll be honest, I’ve tried to swerve The Reds, there; I haven’t seen a minute of pre season, didn’t really get involved in all the transfer voyeurism, just sort of lived for a bit, which was sound. It meant going into the game today I was genuinely excited to see what all our new lads are like. That’s nice, isn’t it?
When I say I tried to swerve The Reds, I mean that’s a bit like trying to swerve your own face. It’s always there, gegging in, bouncing around in mirrors like there is no tomorrow. Here he is, the big bellend. I mean I can literally see my nose as I am typing this, just there in my peripheral vision; cooey, here I am. The Reds are the same, lad.
I mean this is me below trying not to think about The Reds:
Picture the scene: a man sits at a desk, gazing into the middle distance, he looks weary, worried, pain etched across his face. All around him is a scene of utter greyness. Everything is grey, or shades thereof, in spite of the scorching weather outside. He is reliving something over and over in his mind. The opening, slow, somewhat haunting bars of Fiesta by the Pogues is on a loop ha in his head, forever looping:
De De De De De
De De De De De
With no end in site. No payoff.
Something snaps him out of his slumber — the record jumps.
The Joycey alarm.
Liverpool agree fee with AS Roma for Alisson in region of £66m. Nothing to stop other clubs doing likewise, but Liverpool the first. Permission granted to speak to player.
— paul joyce (@_pauljoyce) 18 July 2018
Colour fills the screen. Every colour imaginable. Flowers are falling from the sky, filling the room, rainbows shoot across the vista. A whistle blows, the beat kicks in. All of a sudden the man is marching around the room, party poppers are going off all around him. Dancing safari animals are marching in a procession behind him, three rhino’s on hind legs swinging their arms in unison to the beat. Monkeys wearing Bermuda shorts are hanging from the light fittings playing tiny guitars:
Ey ey ey ey
Aarrrriiiibbbbaaaa
The man leading the march is transformed. Gone is the worry, the stress, his hair is growing back, he looks 15 years younger. His kecks have somehow disappeared and he is marching, cock and balls swinging in the breeze underneath a rainbow-coloured grass skirt, a coconut filled with rum in one hand, pyro in the other.
He leaves his house, door ajar and turns right towards town. The postman joins the back of the conga. Next door’s cat is getting a piggy back off the dog from over the road, happiness fills the world, as far as the eye can see. The procession carries on in an endless party, towards town, the townest of towns. At the end of time, if you look closely enough, on the horizon, as the sun sets for the final time you will still see that dancing party, forever lost in a world of happiness. Fiesta.
Anyway. Yer, jibbed The Reds there, didn’t I?
Alisson: 9
Pretty sure if he made a video of his summer holidays I would project it onto the Liver Buildings. Fucking transcribe it onto rock in hieroglyphics then grind the rocks up and shoot them into my toe. Extra two points for not being big Si or Lagos Kagos. Was made up with him catching it and that. Haven’t seen that for ages.
Trent: 7
Thought he looked a bit rusty but then in fairness he’s just come back off holiday. I was away last week and was still falling asleep at me desk on Thursday and eating me dinner at 11am. Went the gym Friday had to get off after half an hour on the bike and have a breather in me car before I started driving. So you know, he will be sound next week. The ball to Keita for the second was pretty special.
Joe Gomez: 7
Looks skinny, doesn’t he? Just had to ask the lads what his name was there which seems a bit harsh. Soz Joe. Reckon he has been on the same diet over the summer that Shaqiri is currently been lashed on. Just beans and the occasional fish. Didn’t have much to do but done it all pretty well.
Virgil: 9
Jesus Christ. He’s like a giant playing with kids mate, got a Snozcumber in his arse pocket. He makes it look so easy. Imagine playing next to him.
Andy Robertson: 9
Did he set up all the goals and all the chances? How long has it been since we had two boss full backs? Twenty years? Absolutely brilliant, there. What a fella.
Gini: 8
We played so well he didn’t really even need to play, but he pinged it about and looked sound. Wanted to see him playing a bit further forward and so did he.
Milner: 9
Thought he was man of the match, there. The sinew. Joined us together like no-one’s business. Grafted more than everyone and does unbelievably for the second to keep it in. I wonder if he has to wear that headband all the while. On the ale like fucking McEnroe.
Keita: 9
First time I’ve seen him play. Fucking hell, he is glorious. He might be one of the five greatest players to play for Liverpool, the other four are Gegsi and our front three.
Mo Salah: 9
He is class, isn’t he? Scored, has grew his hair a bit and still loves Allah. Is right, lad.
Sadio Mane: 9
Bloody hell, this might the best Liverpool team I have ever seen. Seriously. Mane isn’t our best player. That’s crackers that, isn’t it?
Firmino: 8
Thought he grew into it. He isn’t our best player either and is better than almost all our players since 1990. These Reds, mate. It’s hard to see how this front three could get any better. How many times were they all stood in row ready to tap it in?
SUBS
Karius: 9
Looks boss on that bench, there. Wear your jeans next week, kid.
Sheridan Shaqiri: 7
Wasn’t arsed in the slightest about him till Charlie Adam questioned his professionalism. Got his whole body tattooed on my body the next day. My chest hair is doing a pretty good impression of his jig, there. Had to stitch some paper to my sides there, as I wasn’t wide enough. Built like a fucking big armchair, isn’t he? Might be my favourite ever.
(Sheridan courtesy of Adam Melia Entertainment plc.)
DAN Sturridge: 8
Lovely wrigglies. I’ve missed them so much.
Non Sub – Big Si The Mig: 8
I hope we didn’t even give him a ticket. Tux in town times when he leaves, la.
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Been looking forward to this, didn’t disappoint.
+1
Yeah, you can stop ridiculing Karius now. Alisson wasnt perfect today. He had one moment, if that went in, then it is a horrible mistake.
Karius was very good from January till May, saved us points too. What was supposed to the biggest night of his life (which he helped us get to) went sideways. He is now permanent backup goalie who will play the domestic cups and he should be backed by the fans.
Just cause you still hold a childish grudge towards the fella, doesnt make it right to drag on with the slating.
Be an adult. Leave Karus in peace.
Think we all wish Karius well.
That’s how wishing well looks like? Must have flown over my head then.
Agree mate,cheap shots are embarrassing. Entertaining comments nonetheless.
Entertainment is subjective, mate. I personally think this fella tries too hard to be cocky at times. He should just concentrate on the players who actually played.
Hahah you’re really talking about try hards when we just won 4-0 and you’re having a moan at someone having a joke? The ‘karius playing well’ is a massive myth he made a couple of saves and a couple of clean sheets against teams with 20 percent possession and 2 shots on target. He made huge mistakes against Roma home and away and city away which he got away with and the trend continues in Kiev with 2 of the biggest mistakes ever in a European final. The biggest game of some of out lives so don’t worry about someone having a joke while he sits there collecting his grand a week cos i doubt he’s arsed and it’s not gonna stop. As long as he’s not behind him giving it down his lugs who’s arsed? It’s sad that the ‘offending by everything’ chant actually rings true with some of you beauts. Go for a walk mate.
talking about holding childish grudges…. right on cue there, mate. whatever you have to tell yourself. grow up and let him be.
A grand a week? And I thought we were beginning to pay top wages.
Don’t read him then. There is plenty of other stuff on the site
Quite right!
You can bugger off. Hope he continues to stick the knife in that egomaniac German Barbie.
+1
Karius is fucking garbage.
Yes Ben.. all summer we’ve waited for today. To watch the beautiful red men in full flow. And there’s no comedown. Just the wait till next time. So we turn to you (and others) for reflection and entertainment in between times. And you lad, deliver every time.
Karius was never “very good” for us. He was alright for a bit and crap for a bit. Overall it was a bit unsavoury and one of the few poor pieces of recruitment on Jurgen’s watch.
These truths do not prevent me hoping Karius’s future contains brighter and more successful times.
Titus_Red. Good on you for supporting karius. Not sure if he needs it but if you feel the need to stick up for lad then that’s fair enough. However, not sure what is to be gained by having a dig BJ. His writing style is fairly consistent and you should know what your getting into by reading his player ratings, so if you dont like his style, just avoid them.
Spot on
@Titus_Red
YNWA means fuck all to some supporters. Apparently these same supporters didn’t watch the world cup fuck-ups by some of the top keepers in the “biggest games of their lives on the world stage”.
Being critical of a player on the field is one thing, but I don’t understand this renewed bashing for the fun of it especially since he has been replaced by a rated GK.
Btw, I loved watching the game yesterday and the Reds again going at it.
However if I assess it with the tinted glasses off, Alisson wasn’t tested as yet, our crossing was off a bit, due to rustiness over the summer and Gomez made his customary mistakes which allowed Arnautivic through on goal for example.
If it was Aguero, Sane, or take your pick of top goal scorers under pressure, it remains to be seen if Alisson would have helped between the sticks. Fortunately it didn’t come to that.
I hope Klopp can help bring them up to speed by game 10.
Crystal Palace might have more to say on their ground next week. I think these same supporters will call for Alisson’s head if he gaffs.
Whatever happens, I hope we continue to enjoy the football this season.
glorious ratings as ever. Still laughing as I type this !
Agree with some others on here – please, pretty please with knobs on, leave the derogatory comments about our players to the Mancs, Gooners and the rest. When you were asleep on your desk or whatever, you obviously missed Karius getting elbowed in the face by that thug Ramos in the final. I expect your judgement would also be impaired by that kind of hit to the head.
Karius and Mignolet have always tried their best. It’s a pity you seem to think any of our players are fair targets for abuse and ridicule, all in the name of your getting a few cheap “laughs”.
In depth analysis of players performance can be found elsewhere. Ben’s ratings , for me , are a good laugh. Let’s not take it all too seriously .
Bobby’s hair crew needs a shout out. They did the real work leading up to this week (is it died black?) Olivia Newton-Milner was my MOM. There’s some white space on that – as if he’s beckoning Ribena to advert there in the most non-plused Mille way.
Is it just me or is anyone else pissed off that we have to wait another week to see them play?
This is the type of whimsical comment I come here for . Bravo.
Had to look up the song, but you just had me and my missus in stitches with that opening.
She hates football, but militantly makes me read her your ratings!
Love this. Don’t ever change Ben.
Poetry!
Hands down the best thing on TAW now. Gotta get your own show at Edinburgh or something, see if you can jag a column at the Telegraph like Tony Barrett once did and just do these until someone realises and kicks you out but by then you’ll be a national legend.
Saluted
boom. voice of the people. this could be our…
Ben Johnson….you’re my hero!!
That cat and dog piggyback line almost killed me!!
Excellent, amusing, and imaginative writing again from BJ.
For those taking it seriously. Why?
Its a bit of fun, knockabout, its not meant to mean anything. Stop being so pious or if you dont like his style give it a miss.
BJ has always written like this its not new.
Pool !
“At the end of time, if you look closely enough, on the horizon, as the sun sets for the final time you will still see that dancing party, forever lost in a world of happiness. Fiesta.”
…. Beautiful…
That’s a proper review that!
Well in Johnno