A LOT has been said after the game last week about the Manchester City bus.
Oh god, the poor bus, like the fucking thing had feelings, like Pinocchio or some shit. Papa, I’m a real bus. No your not lad, you are made of wood, you bellend. Pep Guardiola crying his way home on the replacement bus, having to leave the other one strewn on the side of road, closing it’s fucking wiper eyes as he left, safe travels on your final journey, big man x.
He’s obviously never been on the night bus back from town has he, the shitbag. My mate was once minding his own business, sleeping his way home after a donkey of a night on the ale, to be awakened by the window shattering all over his head. He jumps up out the seat, people are crying and screaming and some scally is running towards the open window, so he leans out through the broken glass and gives him a couple of belts, gets up, gets off the bus, gives the scally a hiding all over Parli, gets back on the bus to a standing ovation and goes back a kip, stopping only to ask the fella in front of him to wake him up at his stop.
Happens everyday here Guardiola, you big fucking fanny, and no one even bats an eye. The driver didn’t even get out of his seat, you prick. True story that, he’s dead now mind you, my mate, not the bus driver or Guardiola.
Lag: 7
Probably shouldn’t have played it to Virg for their goal seen as Virg was telling him to fuck off. Had that one covered from Bernardo Silva that nearly snapped the goal in two. When I say covered I mean he seen a bit of it. Maybe a glimpse. Wins the punch for their goal which weren’t a goal which led to Guardiola bouncing on the pitch at half time and chatting shit about buses again. Boring bus shagger, him.
Trent: 8
Showed experience beyond his years. Ecstatic with his “this ball is blag” routine. “Think it’s from Greaty, Ref”. Was boss there second half.
Big Virg: 7
Oh Virg. This is not the time for The Fonz to get the yips. You are The Fonz, for fuck’s sake. Is right lad, momentary blip. Back on the march after 20 minutes. Him and Degsy were boss after the first 10.
Degsy: 8
Tried to Cruyff turn their lad on the touchline, literally the touchline. Tried to empty Raheem Sterling on the touchline for no potential gain. Use your fucking brains, Reds. In fairness, 10 minutes onwards, he was impeccable. First to everything, throwing his body in. What a guy.
Robbo: 8
Used his head on a few occasions, got popped in possession a few times but in fairness that first half hour there wasn’t many options on. Grafted and was a nuisance throughout. I’m not sure there is a better role model in the country at the minute.
Milner: 8
Made our first tackle of the game on 27 minutes. Was fucking boss, to be honest. Nearly cried with joy. Handballed one that was flying in. Better than Jesus; not the one playing for them. Mixed it, grafted, played with his head second half.
Gini: 7
Did nothing, did nothing, did nothing, did nothing. Got the ball, played, played, played, The Reds scored. Four out of 10 first half, nine out of 10 second. That makes seven, I think, somehow.
Oxo: 9
Our only player who broke their lines. Unlucky for the chance at the end of the first half. Best player first half. Chopped one of their lads’ cock off second half which was quite debilitating for them.
Firmino: 8
Boss yellow. Got lashed left mid to offer protection. Did it, grafted, looked after the ball. Then just got the ball off their soft lad who wears gloves in the summer and slotted like he was playing in the park. Got took off for the caveman Klavan, which was sound.
Mo Salah: 9
What can you say about Mo Salah that hasn’t been said? I gave him me house last week. I’m not sure he’d fancy me car, the two front tyres probably need changing and there’s Monster Munch all over the passenger seat. Lives in a slow motion world mate, whenever he gets in their box. The bollocks on him to lift that finish.
Sadio Mane: 8
Kicked two of their lads in the bollocks and didn’t get sent off. Should have had a pen, but the ref let him off with kicking two of their lads in the bollocks so you know, swings and roundabouts and that.
SUBS
No one even knows who that was. Well in though, everyone.
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“What a night!” 😍
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— The Anfield Wrap (@TheAnfieldWrap) 10 April 2018
Ah man, what a night. I am so happy. Salah 1 time 0.
Great piece. LMAO. Super win by The Super Reds. YNWA!
This is the best thing I have read in my life. Ever. Can you do the match ratings every week?
think he does yo
“Then just got the ball off their soft lad who wears gloves in the summer and slotted like he was playing in the park.” LMAO. Up these ratings and the mighty boys in Red.
like
been waiting for this since the last whistle . Well in Ben
“the two front tyres probably need changing and there’s Monster Munch all over the passenger seat. ”
It’s this kind of insight of football that makes it palatable !
What flavour monster munch was it
Another great ratings article. Impressive that Ben knocks these out within a couple hours after the game.
I have barely finished gathering my thoughts, four hours after. First half was torture. Second half was pure pleasure.
Up the European Royalty Reds.
Saving The Pink for the morning but couldn’t go to bed without Ben Jonno – If you know what I mean.
Gotta say Gini is almost spot on. Was lost like most of the lads first. 2nd half though, he was MoM. Starts the move brilliantly for the first. Wins loads of 2nd balls. Sets the tone. Runs his socks off. Think we have solved our central defensive mid prob as he’s more mobile than Can and Hendo. Not a hair out of place either. What a player!
The best word I can think to describe this is…boom!
“Boring bus shagger, him.”
I’m gone…
Not only have these ratings added to an already glorious mood they’re going to do wonders for the sale of Monster Munch, I’m having roast beef ones for Breakie!
Egypt will win the World Cup Mo Salah is that good! The Rock will play Mo in a film in years to come, like the Scorpion King but better.
I’m seriously hoping for a season ending compilation of each players ratings that you’ve given them. Too many brilliant throwaway lines that deserve revisiting
Great stuff
Wtf is that bold bastard of a steward about? I understand that they try to stop the supporters going onto the pitch. But to disallow the players to join the fans celebrating on such a night – cannot believe it.
This is not a European rule but an English thing – never saw that in any competition over in Germany.
Great last line about Andy Robbo there. What a fucking lad.
brilliant mate, still can’t talk …what a performance, what a night!!! I was sceptical before this tie but we CAN win this now!!!!! up the mighty red!!
Boss as always Ben… Love the bit about the bus at the beginning. Been on the Fright Bus on many a night. Had many a time of being woken from a drunken slumber to spark some bellend who is doing everyone’s head in or acting the tough guy. As you put it, perhaps the Bus Shagger should experience a couple of journeys on this and then the reception at Anfield last week will just be what it was…. a welcoming. :)