BRING on yer Roma by the score.
Next week bring them on by the thousands. I’ll be the lad dressed as a Knights Templar on a holy mission, with shark suit Under Armour and a massive suit of armour over the top. Go ‘ed yer shithouse, stab my arse now.
I went to Roma on the way to Athens in 2007, by the way. It’s sound, you know. Got gripped by the bizzies for getting a Dirk Kuyt banner out in front of the Colosseum and got jumped by eight pickpockets who mistook us for silly Americans and were quite startled when me mate Moggo lashed their ringleader against the wall and we started lashing digs out for a laugh. That aside, I remember it being like Bootle Oriel Road. I’ll tell you more next week.
Heard a fella, God’s honest truth, say the following on The Kop after the final whistle: “That German cunt got it wrong again.”
Seriously. I couldn’t believe my fucking ears. We are leading by three after the first leg of the European Cup semi final and people aren’t happy. I would suggest he needs to give it a rest. Did our old teams used to beat everyone in European games 8-0 every week? Did they fuck. Soft auld cunt.
Karius: 7
Made an amazing save that went on to hit the bar. When I say amazing, I mean I was amazed. Genuinely amazed at what had gone on.
Trent: 7
Thought he struggled with his distribution, maybe a little bit keen. Had a silly shot second half. Fair enough, mind you, I’d be shooting from me own half in the semi of a European Cup.
Degsi: 8
Gets an extra point for pretending to be injured after their first. Got stuck under the ball? Sound, just limp about for a bit and then lose your head. Aside from that, was excellent. Sounds like a contradiction in terms that, doesn’t it?
Virgil: 8
Not sure what went on. Had to play well as we were five up and finished three ahead in a Euro semi.
Andy Robbo: 9
Best defender. Best lad. What a fella, fella. A fucking nuisance. Sound and Italian are you, yeah? What’s that you have ordered there, mate? Bit of bruschetta to start? Affogato for dessert? Veal Milanese for main, yer? Giz a bit. Giz your spoon. Let’s have a go. Go ‘ed. Shite that.
Henderson: 8
Struggled a bit against their very impressive baldy fat fella until The Reds ran their legs off and their fat baldy fella packed in for 20 minutes. Snapped and snarked about as per. Is right, lad.
Oxo: 5
Half a leg. Unlucky really, weren’t he? That said, his presence as they were half preparing to chop his leg off was a distraction for everyone and our collective heads went to bits. Should have put a tent up like The National or ran off with him on the stretcher like fucking Saving Private Ryan or some shit.
Milner: 7
They couldn’t believe he was still running. No one could. He’s like Mo Farah without the Quorn overdose.
Sadio: 8
Jesus. Could have scored a million first half. Blazed the first and tried to make sure for the second chance, twatted it to Kenny instead. That said, scored in the European cup semi there, didn’t he?
Mo Salah: 10
I’m not sure I have ever seen a better player or a better performance in the flesh. Genuinely stunning. The Reds penned them in and penned them in and penned them in to no avail. Disallowed goal, missed chances, Mo gets it and puts it more top bin than Souness’s ’84 pen. Stunning. The dink for the second. The dink for the second. You think we aren’t scoring next week ’cause they haven’t conceded at home? Fuck you and your silly fucking head.
Firmino: 9
Genuinely one of the best centre forwards we have had. Glorious for Mo’s first. Scored two, including a header that took so long to go in it might count in our first group game next year.
SUBS:
Gini: 9
Come on and looked like he had had his arse refurbished, like Pimp My Ride. Took his ability to hold people off with it to a new level, like they were wings of steel. Fucking Batfink, lad. Gini, can I borrow it before and after the game next week lad?
Ingredients: 6
Didn’t help us at all. That said, would love him to score next week and jump in that fountain.
We will twat them next week. Their two goals does nothing but keep them honest. Bring on yer Roma by the score, yer?
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Karius: 7
Made an amazing save that went on to hit the bar. When I say amazing, I mean I was amazed. Genuinely amazed at what had gone on.
Stop. Brilliant. Great writing.
Batfink! Wow. Fucking brilliant cartoon that was,brilliant analogy for gini. I suggest anyone under 30 to YouTube it.
‘Scored two, including a header that took so long to go in it might count in our first group game next year.’
Genuinely pissing myself at tha
Degsi 8? Extremely generous pal. Mans a liability.
Love Bobby F — great game and a joy to watch these boys.
Sure, we have to be very careful in the next game, but come on! To win games by playing great, attacking football? Love it.
BTW: Allyson can do one.
If our 90-goal front 3 play Wednesday, and get 1,2 or 3 , Roma will need 4,5 or 7 to go to Kyiv.
Knights Templar. Yeah that will go down well with Mo and Sadio.
Get a life and lighten up mate
Roma have lost 8 times at home this season. I’m not sure, but I think that involves conceding a goal. Fill yer boots, you beautiful Reds. I love ’em to a man.
Let’s say that a 3-goal winning margin was about fair, if we weigh the middle section of the game against the last 10 minutes and the first half-hour? Roma collapsed, tactically and psychologically, for about 50 minutes. Remember that for the rest of the game they looked decent – not as good as us, but decent.
Next week is going to be stressful. We all know we’re not going to go over there and get a 0-0 like the team of 77 or 84 could – but we should be fine if we play with our usual positivity and courage.
Bobby firmino deserves a better chant.. a better fucking song
Hear hear! Our most creative player has the most uncreative chant.
I vote for Wild Thing (just replace with White Teeth) :D
I may be serious.
Brilliant. Such enjoyment reading these in a morning at work. Always makes me smile.
Can’t wait for the match ratings after the final when Solanke scores the winner.
Right Neil/Ben,
As you might be around here is a suggestion. Why don’t you both put a book together ?
Place the Reviews against the Ratings, match per match, however many you want, I would suggest the best of the season. This stuff is so good, so mad, so ye, so of the time and yet spirals out into Liverpool history,culture and life. It’s brilliant stuff lads.
Do it.
Fucking crying reading this!!
Just registered pureley to ask if you have wriiten any books. If so I would like to buy them all.
How do you score two goals and get two assists and NOT get man of the match…
Answer: you play on the same team as Mo Salah.
We love you Bobby, don’t ever forget you are the engine that drives this sexy train.