FOR some reason which currently escapes me, I’ve ended up watching the match in the depths of the Cambridgeshire Fens in a gaff called The Shed, with this poster on the wall:
Now lads, before we get started, if I’m going to be able to watch the game here we need to get a few things straight. I think we are going to need to overlook rule number one, two, three and four for a kick off. Number five defo depends on the result here, number six should be sound as I haven’t got a dog (see also number nine). Number seven and number eight very much depends on whether Mo Salah starts banging goals, but let’s not rule anything out at this stage, and before we start on cock fighting mate, let’s see who the ref is yer? Fucking hell, it’s Anthony Taylor. Someone hold my belt and my undies.
Loris Karius: 7
I always wondered how cold it would be to be a goalie on a day like today. I think the answer is probably very.
Joe Gomez: 7
Looked reasonably solid until he wasn’t, but then gave a lovely foul away when their lad was in early in the second half. Never mind that they hit the bar from the free kick. Solid throughout.
Joel Matip: 7
Big fan of centre halves doing nothing to remember. Great tackle after Mo’s hat-trick goal, which was pretty admirable considering the rest of the world was busy looking at Salah and wondering if he will end up scoring 300 goals this year.
Big Virg: 7
See above with added coolness, bossness, positional senseness and all round soundness.
Andy Robbo: 8
Gave Jordan Henderson a bollocking first half for being freezing and nearly giving them a goal. Been trying to figure out what it is that he covers ground like and I still can’t quite put my finger on it. I reckon it’s in the region of mix of an orc, a rabid dog and a Scottish man, but that’s not quite right. Either way, the ball in for the second is on a massive big corridor of uncertainty plate for Mo. Perfect. What a guy.
Emre Can: 6
The only thing he did was his back. You want to go to yoga, lad.
Jordan Hendo: 7
Was his usual metronomic tempo-setting, short sleeve, this isn’t cold self, until he gave the ball away twice in a minute in the first half, probably because he had hypothermia, the cracked twat. Struggled for a bit after that. Get some fucking Under Armour on.
Gini Wijnaldum: 6
Looked freezing.
Sadio Mane: 8
Does really well for Mo’s goal there, doesn’t he? Occupies that number 10 space instead of left wing, boxes his touch and plays him in to set up the equivalent of a bit of waterboarding for their lad. What more do you want? Absolutely pivotal in the second as well. Great movement, great ball for Robbo.
Mo Salah: 10
It was almost cruel that first. I reckon if you asked their lad he would rather have been sent to Guantanamo than getting absolutely sent the chippy to such an extent that he fell over. At least in the Bay he would have a hood over his head hiding his little embarrassed grid. Pass me my cudgel, and send me over one of them wenches lad, all bets are off here. Great movement for the second. Like Rushie. He scored the third while doing a combination of falling over and ragging their lads and then was in the right place at the right time for the fourth. It’s fucking ridiculous. I will say it again, and will keep saying it until people stop telling me I’m soft; he is the best we have had in at least 20 years. Stick your @s up your arse.
Bob Firmino: 8
If we didn’t have Mo Salah I would be banging on about how he is up there with the best we have had for 20 years. Lovely for his goal. I think that’s called a deft touch.
SUBS
James Milner: 7
Another soft cunt without a long sleeve top or gloves. These fellas must be mad.
Alex Ox-Chambo: 7
I would say sprightly.
Danny Ingredients: 7
Scoring the winner against the Blueshite, isn’t he? Unlucky on a few occasions, but them Blues will see to that jinx. Unlucky, bright and sharp. Might have a future at The Reds, you know.
Where’s my wench and tankard?
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Danny Ingredients. Makes me laugh every time I hear it.
Was unlucky, but looked really sharp. I really hope he has a future at Anfield.
Made my weekend that.
Up the Reds!
He looked really quick too, or was I imagining that?
Hopefully the two ACL’s haven’t killed his speed like I’d feared.
Andy Robbo covers the ground Like a Jack Russell that’s found its owners stash of coke.
Still think Johnno has to have his own show. The only trouble with the Reds battering Watford like this is I can’t wipe the stupid smile off my face and everyone in this train back from London thinks I’m a weird psycho. Don’t care.
Kill me every time these ratings
I know this sounds fucking ridiculous…..but Ings could save us a small fortune.He looks a bit quicker,sharper,stronger than Bobby and could be the perfect back up for him next season.Sell Origi,Solanke,Sturridge buy another pacey wideman and have Ings then Brewster as back up next season.Were incredibly close to being an incredible side
“Struggled for a bit after that.”
By for a bit, do you mean the remainder of the game?? Henderson was poor, by far the worst of our players. No Emre there to carry him meant he got exposed. Poor on the ball, terrible defensively – they walked past him 7 times.
Disagree. He did struggle for a time while Watford attempted the high press but some of his forward passing, particularly long range, was sublime. Certainly not his best performance but try to be rational when judging.
You can’t seriously be moaning about Henderson after that game can you? Just enjoy it.
His ratings are skewered to say the least. Not following the whole oassages of our play but looking for a Captain Fantastic display all the time, instead of a controller one.
Personally didn’t notice Can until he got his injury. Came off the field very well though- his best contribution in two games.
Ben Johnson = 11/10
Hilarious again, the fact he dove right into the wenches reference and went back to it at the finality. Seriously, we need more of him on the show.
Approaching Mo Salah levels
Someone in Scotland should be doing an Ad that goes;
“Andy Robertson seys if Ey danny drink Irn Bru I’m onli gannna bee guuud ennuuuf ta play fur Buckie Thistle….”
Has been an absolute find for the money we paid, boss everywhere on the pitch, energy to burn, looks like he has loves every minute of being at our club and can happily go out with my daughter if he wishes.
Bobby, “how dare you score a goal like that in the premier league.”
Ben, you are a funny man. I am curious, do these comments come straight to mind of do you have to really put a shift in?! Either way cracking set of words mate..
Britos is still at the newsagents looking for that copy of The Echo Salah sent him for.
Forget it Miguel, it doesn’t matter.
As for Salah’s hat-trick goal, is he messing? He’s surrounded to Doucoure, Prodl, Mariappa and Elton John and he still manages to score despite slipping in the snow? It was absolute filth.
Big Virg a 7??? C’mon… he stuck the landing. That’s at least an 8.
For real?
That get real comment to me ? Yes for real
Hows this fella not got his own show?? Always love the match ratings