Pre Match
DID I ever tell you that I’m not a massive fan of Roy Hodgson? Yer, I’m not a big fan.
I think I might have gone on record with this at some stage… Anyway, when he was our manager me and my mates used to come up with all kinds of tales to get us through the ordeal. One of them focused around the size of his lad. Not his son who loves a watch and lives in Miami, presumably to get as far away from his auld fella as possible, but the one hanging in his penile region.
You see, we spent a significant amount of our time reckoning that his lad was enormous, massive, grotesquely huge. Not in a good way, mind you. I’m not sure how we started with this particular theory but I think it focused on Hodgson’s reported intelligence and love of reading.
In Ancient Rome and Greece, the theory had it that the cleverest men had the smallest willies and the athletic warriors were doom brains with massive lashes like animals. I think we flipped this theory for Hodgson because he liked to think he was intelligent and we had him down as a fucking idiot.
Anyway, as I was saying. His lad wasn’t a big, massive, boss one. It was, in effect, a nuisance. A growth. Picture the torso of a dead animal, possibly a big cat, wrapped in a translucent skin. Something he had to lumber around with, like a curse handed down to him by the gods. One so bulbous and heavy that he needed to erect a scaff tower just to give it a wash.
Imagine having a lash like that. Imagine the daily chore of lumping it around, like a dead otter. Imagine buying kecks. Imagine having a piss. Imagine seeing something arousing and the associated lightheadedness. Fucking hell mate, no wonder he is a horrible fucker.
Post Match
First half they didn’t so much park the bus, as plonk The Hodge’s massive flaccid cock across their half. Blocking space like a half-inflated bouncy castle. Is right though, The Reds. Stole that one.
Kagsy: 7
Great save from Wilfried Zaha first half there and is unlucky for the pen. If you would rather Si The Mig’s approach of standing still or turning into smoke we would have been two down instead of one after 13 minutes. Made a decent save from the Mane sent off/took off freekick.
Trent: 7
The obvious danger was down their left channel and unfortunately for Trent he got left alone to deal with it. Karius got him out jail for the first but then as per we let them do the same thing time and again until they prosper from it. Did a foul throw. Might have to retire now, not sure, will check the rules. Was excellent second half, you know.
Matip: 5
Wants fucking for his role in the pen. Fifty lashes, mate. Flogging like an ox in biblical times. It is desperately bad defending. Block his fucking run for fuck’s sake, it’s their only threat. And while you are at it stop kicking the fucking ball out. Should be dragged at half time and made to run home.
Won his first header of 2018 in the second half which is nice. Kicks the ball like no-one else on earth. That isn’t a compliment.
Virg: 7
Fucked Matip off after their goal and marked Christian Benteke like a grown up instead of a big, giant daffodil. Looked like one of the few who anchors a bit of a scrap. Sloppy in the extreme for their second chance in a minute. Great interception late on.
Robbo: 8
Did well when they broke and Zaha was nearly in. Tried his best, great attacking threat all day. Got better and better as the game went on.
Hendo: 7
Loses the header for the pen but in fairness Benteke had a 15-yard head start on his standing jump because big Joel Matip parted like the Red Sea for Benteke like he was fucking Moses or some shit. Covered some holes well, tried to help his full backs.
Wijnaldum: 5
Had the shits and lost two stone. Played like it.
Milner: 7
Gave away shite freekicks around our own box which was his main contribution first half. Throws the greatest preki since Preki for Mane’s goal, mind you. As per he grafted all day long.
Sadio: 8
Great ball to Trent first 10 minutes where Trent should do better. Gets booked for diving when he got booted by their lad. Sound that, isn’t it? Unlucky for the goal, cleared one off the line from Virg for some reason. Best player first half and starts the second in the same way but with more luck. Wins the ball, starts the play, great movement great goal. Handballed it for a laugh and proved beyond doubt that all English referees are absolutely bananas. Got took off so he can bang the winner against the Blueshite. I’m alright with that.
Mo Salah: 8
Same as against Manchester United really. You try playing footie smothered by an elderly gentleman’s enormous flaccid cock. It’s not easy. Still unlucky not to have scored at least two before his goal. If I had hair mate, I would be perming the fuck out of it.
You can have our house if you want, Mo. Just let me know. It’s alright. Upstairs bathroom needs doing mind, and the doors haven’t got handles.
Firmino: 7
Tireless, isn’t he? Option all day. Would like him to get a rest every now and then but y’know. Fuck it. He can have the World Cup off.
SUBS
Lallana:
His season in one day. New Crowded House remix for the World Cup.
Oxo Chambo:
Sound.
Degsy:
Swept up. Nicely.
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Trent will have Guardiola’s eyes lighting up. That’s precisely where he will seek to cut through out backline.
Gomez didnt do much good agaiunst Sane either.
Fuckin boss that.
I’m off to party with the Colombian nazi weed pope
Classic, “You can have our house if you want, Mo. Just let me know. It’s alright. Upstairs bathroom needs doing mind, and the doors haven’t got handles.”
Lmfao.
Ben seriously mate. I’ve got a newborn and laughing is banned in the house for now. Bad enough trying to run up and down the house silently after the Mo scores. Never has a big cock ever been made to sound so unpalatable.
You have gone easy on Trent there
No fucking chance Lineker is tweeting a link to this one. Funny shit.
Trent though? don’t want to knock a young player but he needs a couple of games off to have a word with himself? Zaha ran him ragged, and its horrible to say that cos I hate Zaha.
Savage admin
need right back,for the city game
Got booted by their lad! My arse.Dive.
He did get fouled. Got a kick on the foot but he just didn’t sell it well enough to win the penalty.
I know it’s tough coz he’s a young local lad but giving TAA a 7 is mental, he was all over the camp!
If city target him with de bruyne slipping ball down his inside to Sane we’re in trouble!
I feel sorry for him though, being so young and learning a new position, he shouldn’t be starting this many games. I suppose it will make or break him but it’s not ideal.
It’s United and today. Calm down. He has been tremendous all season.
I’m perfectly calm mate, just saying if he’s gonna play every game he’s gonna need some help so he doesn’t feel the need to go on Twitter and apologise to fans for his performance like he did after United game. Getting targeted and run ragged can’t be good for his development
Again, mate. United and today. Two games where he looked a bit rattled.
He has been solid all season.
And he came back stronger in the 2nd half. No worries about his development.
Not sure if you have seen City play, but they are a lot better than Utd and Palace.
The reply option for John isnt shown for me.
“Not sure if you have seen City play, but they are a lot better than Utd and Palace.”
It’s not Trent vs the entire City team.
No but it’s a problem if the opposition are targeting Trent as they regard him as a weak link in our defence. Jose did it when we played United and look what happened there.
TAA is not a weak link.
Many teams have targeted his side this season. Many failed because he stood his ground.
Porto did it. He stod his ground
And if we are speaking about long balls, then it’s not the right-back’s job to deal with it.
You need the DM or the CB who is next to him to anticipate too and stay close to sweep the 2nd balls.
This TAA narrative holds no ground.
Trent was probably a 5 first half. 8 second. Really improved second half. Gave great options going forward. Decent balls into box. Zaha didn’t have much luck 2nd half but I think Trent was getting more help from Gini and Hendo.
Should be a 4 for Trent, he was awful all game. Was ran ragged by Zaha and beaten constantly by their attackers. Also lashed a shot into the stands later on when there were options available. RB is the weakest link in the team right now without a doubt.
To be fair on Trent, he’s a very good young player but most full backs have a torrid time against Zaha.. it’s not like Zaha is shite is it
Yep, Zaha, he’d make an arse out of anyone. It’s kind of ok that it happened today though. It obviously is so important to protect Trent a little bit more Weds coming, if we see it Jurgan does. Anyway Citeh willhave to worry about us too.
Shout out for Mane today, brilliant, looking sharp, ‘cept for the mad bits.
How any of our midfield got more than a five surprises me. Yes they improved second half, but it would have been impossible not to. Collectively they just don’t provide what our attack needs – invention, or our defence – protection. I doubt we’ll see those three against City. Impressed with OC when he came on, he offered something different like running with the ball and passing inside opponents for runners – good that.
Could have done without having a mental image of Roy’s “lad” engrained in my brain now. Ha!
Great, gritty win. Andy Robertson was my MOTM. What a steal for 8m. Or as some would say, we basically got Andy from Hull in a swap deal for Kevin Stewart.
Bring on City.
What are those cheer-leaders about for fucks sake?
Hilarious that though Ben. Glad someone recognised that Trent didn’t shrink after the goal. VVD saw to that by moving across and showing Matip how to mark a lump like Benteke.
Karius is transforming into a top keeper in front of our eyes.
Yeh.. he stopped the ball!
Is this supposed to be a sarcastic reply? If so, do a better job of it, mate.
Yes i think it was sarcasm. He did make a good save though.
He made a lot of great saves since he came back into goal.
A lot of great saves you say. Well if you accuse me of sarcasm then I’m gonna accuse you of exaggeration.
Hodgson was out of his depth with us, but controversially, I actually think he seems like a decent man, and not a bad manager for mid/lower level prem sides.
Also, find it not just juvenile, but criminally unfunny and tedious to read about your theories on his genitalia. Bit pathetic really. I’m sure it made Gary Lineker laugh though.
These ratings actually used to be decent, before you stopped self-editing and disappeared up your own backside. Dreadful.
What about ox right back wednesday?
How about Mignolet at right back?
Give your head a wobble, lad.
But mings a keeper lad
Ox a midfielder, lad.
Trent and Henderson were shite.
The rest are fair.
Exactly.