FUCKING hell.
Watching The Reds in what can best be described as a zoo in the Temple Bar.
Stevie Gerrard is bouncing round the telly in a three-piece, three-coloured suit, looking all captainy and that.
I’ve drank that much Guinness I’ve had to have a breakwater Bulmers to refresh my pallet. You want insightful, performance-based ratings, yer? You have come the wrong place, lad.
Pre Match
Hangover cures out of 10.
Pre Emotive: 9
So our mate — some lad — has sourced some hangover cures from Brazil. They are called Dave Engovs, you say Engov and I say Engo. They are wild.
They are somewhere between 90-100 per cent legal. They make your heart flutter like a first love. Do they cure hangovers? I’ll tell you in the morning. Should you take them before going the paradox? Absolutely.
As the game kicks off some big fat mings come and play table tennis on the table that we are using as a coat rest.
Let me paint you a picture. Yorkshire people. Dressed as mings. Trying to play table tennis. They are grown men, dressed up playing a game in a bar. They are worse than them auld Question Time ones.
Any road, The Reds have scored while I’m still fuming over these twats. Oh, they have equalised.
Post Match
Si The Mig: 4
Watched one in the top bin. Watched another in the bottom corner. Neither were his fault. Then the VAR ghost goal was as absolutely, definitively, 100 per cent his fault the flat-faced, flat-footed fucker, stalking his line like a big cat. But then watching back, his arm goes right up, Si knows. Is Si The Mig a massive AI robot? SI robot?
So that one, where they are all offside, that is why Mignolet will never be good enough. He has a free jump against their lad and has the added bonus of being able to use his arms and gets beat to the header. Fucking farce.
Trent Alexander-Arnold: 5
Shite for their first goal. Half a leg. He wasn’t the only one. Struggled throughout.
Virg van Dijk: 5
Shall we all agree to just play him centre mid? I can’t be arsed with him being party to our defence conceding a million goals before April.
Joel Matip: 5
Wore the biggest, whitest boots the world has ever seen. Chose to backheel one in the bottom corner with his size 36s, as opposed to just kicking it away. That was pretty bad in fairness, as his feet are probably only a max size 15.
Albie Moreno: 5
Has a lovely watch and a massive dangle of his leg twice in five minutes when the script called for a foot in. Is it possible for a wild dog to get rusty?
Emre Can: 4
Shite for the second. Half a foul, a limp to a foul; not even a thought of a foul. Tried a volley from the edge of the box and somehow trapped it. Gary Barry ran away from him a few times which told its own tale. Fucking hell.
Gini Wijnaldum: 3
See Chambo below but then add in that he hadn’t kicked the ball and an hour had gone. Boss song, plays really well against good sides, let’s just play him against the good sides and play anyone else, or no one, against shite.
Alex Oxlade-Chambo: 4
Didn’t know he was playing first half. Same for the second.
Sadio Mane: 6
Tried and tried. Not at his best.
Mo Salah: 7
Boss for the jarg pen. Slotted a belter. Ran his balls off, surrounded by tramps though.
Roberto Firmino: 6
What a goal. Dink, dink, dink, goal. Shite pen, but millimetres from the best pen ever, mind. Grafted.
VAR: 9
Gave us a chance. Holy moly. Saves The Reds from being 3-1 down and gave us the option of being 2-2. Greater than anything Shankly ever did. Even tried to box us for their fourth/third, but had nothing to hang its hat on.
SUBS
Henderson: Probably 10 but I’ll give him an eight
Say what you want about him, he likes to pass the ball forward. You think he doesn’t? Go home and go to bed. You think he is worse than Gini or Can? You might need to rewatch the game.
Danny Ings:
Ran around loads.
James Milner:
Kept giving it away. Like Brewster’s Millions and the ball was his dough. Then charged their lad down and won a boss goalkick for them.
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Better than the actual match, that.
Brewster’s Millions. Out of the fiery abyss of a fume, a smile.
Cheers, Ben.
Get rid of that fucking keeper.
Giving the left back a higher mark than Wijnaldum & Oxlade Chamberlain? Behave yourself. Where are all of his fans now? ‘He’s better than Robertson going forward’ is their cry! Didn’t beat a man once tonight, turned inside or backwards every time. The sooner he leaves the better for my blood pressure & sanity. Robertson back against Huddersfield please!
The midfield three were awful tonight and the reason we lost. Hard to pick who played the worst. The bit I don’t get is picking ox as the one to sub. He is flexible and can be used to change it up. Wini and can were shit and that’s it.
Put VVD in goal…
I can hack loosing to WBA in the cup but just not at home. Only the Champions league to play for now! Oh and if we don’t win it hope we finish 3rd behind city & Chelsea
bad mid field,bad defence
Can’t ever remember the Reds drop off a cliff so much in 2 weeks… From beating league winners elect to Swansea and then this….. crap!
It was like watching 11 strangers, who have never ever played football suddenly being asked to give it a go. Our defence puts in a great impression of the Keystone Cops. Seemed like each was trying to outdo each other for who could put in the shittest performance, however that award went to our non-existence midfield 3; all of them where absolute garbage. They carry on like that and we will be yearning for the likes of Christian Poulsen (he moved slower than a glacier) and Joke Cole to return (Actually scrub that, them feckers ever come back to our Club in a playing capacity and I will personally find a way of kidnapping then and locking them indefinitely in the cupboard under the stairs). And don’t get me started on our keeper. He is a big fecking MING. A swear my wheelie bin would stop more from going in then that pleb and also the Handsome Hologram that has smoke hands…. All I can put this down to is that Klopp likes high scoring games and the fellas at the back are just there as a big fuck off joke and shite all else. Personally instead of hugs and cuddles, he needs to get in there and stangle the feckers. That or just lock them in a dark room where he just plays endless clips which just show how shite they’ve been of late. – So here’s to another trophyless season and one that again looks like the wheels have come off spectacularly. Next up his mate’s team from West Yorkshire. Let see how many we can gift them.
If Jürgen Klopp really still thinks after those last two games his side is good enough, I really question his ability to be a Liverpool manager, I really do! You can’t just sell your best performer for the last 4 years and think Can, Wijnaldum, Henderson, Milner and Oxlade-Chamberlain will do the job. I am not in the ‘Klopp out’- brigade just yet, but his non- proactive handling is starting to anger me. We lack spine: a worldclass goalkeeper, a leader in defense, a midfielder who can throw passes in that open defenses and a goalscoring striker. Yes, we bought Roberto Firmino, Sadio Mané and Mohamed Salah in recent years, all very good players who can be magnoificent on their day. But too many times this team is only critised for their defending or lack of a match winning goalkeeper.
Liverpool consistently sold their best players for the last ten years now and simply brought in medicority. And we probably end up losing Mohamed Salah next summer too… No wonder you never win anything. We are the 9th richest club in the world, still only have won only one FA Cup and a League Cup in 12 bloody years! Call me an old fashioned football fan, but for me winning trophy’s is what define a football club. And Liverpool don’t win trophy’s anymore, simple fact! I know how important qualifying for the Champions League means in modern football. But finishing fourth in a trophyless season just means nothing to me. And it shouldn’t to FSG, Jürgen Klopp, the players and Kopites all over the world.
Flew to England, went to Liverpool on the day, but chose tea with friends over the match. Best decision I’ve ever made. Second best decision, reading Johno’s Review. 10 our of 10.