Today was the day for Jurgen Klopp to rip it up and start again. Calls for anyone centre half, and I mean anyone, other than Degsy Lovren and anyone with gloves (any gloves) in goal aside from The Mig were being lashed about all over the show. Kloppo, kept his cool, applied the tippex to last week instead and kept faith in his lads.

Pre-Match

The reds must surely win mustn’t we? 2-1 is the big ratings prediction. Speaking of which, I sent Atko some ratings last night and told him to put them up today instead, save me a job. Here is the text I sent him below:

Ok lad. I’ll send them now. Mig 3, shite, Trent 7 did well, Matip 6, imagine playing next to and in front of the lion off The Wizard Of Oz, Degsy – fucking hell, Robertson – 10 better than Barnes, Hendo 8, Gini 8 – good goal to get us back in it, Can 6, Mo Salah 10 – thank fuck for him, Firmino 6 Doesn’t work on the left, Sturridge – made out of flumps. Subs- shite.

Post-Match

What a mad game. The referee, somehow managed to fuck up the minute’s silence which was, frankly, the best thing he did all day and certainly the best thing to happen until the second half. It set the tone though for a strange game first half, with The Reds determined to not concede. That’s about it. Second half was much better and the reds somewhat romped to victory. I’ll take that all day.

Simon Mignolet

7/10

Had absolutely nothing to do, which was the best possible outcome for all concerned. That said, he did a mouth signal to his defenders with about 15 gone, you know the one, with his hand, the one which means talk. I can only assume someone asked him to mime the definition of irony. Google Irony now lad, The Mig’s hand will jump out of your screen like a magic eye picture opening and closing like there’s no tomorrow.

Joe Gomez

8/10

Tried to play it as quickly as he could first half. Did his defending well enough first half, and was great second. Our best defender, by a mile.

Dejan Lovren (subbed 0 minutes)

8/10

Talking of the best possible outcome, what happened to the Lov? Working theory that The Kop ate him like a tree out of the Lord Of The Rings. Currently getting marched off by a boss squad of Orcs.

The Klav

7/10

Nearly fell over but managed to stand up and kick the ball out at the same time instead. Did alright. Tight to that grock up front for them who looks like Ricky Lambert pre hibernation.

Joel Matip

8/10

Did alright and then played the greatest back pass the world has ever seen from the edge of their box, which pretty much bamboozled everyone to such an extent that it has been classed as an assist for the second goal. A stunning turn of events. Would have got a ten for the assist alone but should score at least two free headers, and I’m sick of him not scoring free headers.

Alberto Moreno

6/10

Did a boss overhead kick that a) didn’t go over his head and b) went out for a corner to them. Back to his erratic self. Like a dog on bommy night.

James Milner

7/10

A cog in an uninspiring midfield first half. The better the team is playing, the better he plays. Found space second half and was pivotal in getting Sturridge, Salah & Firmino on the ball.

Jordan Henderson

8/10

A bit of admin first up, I won’t ever give him below an 8. Worked and worked and worked and worked. Tried to get the reds playing first half in a game of sideways passing.

Gini Wijnaldum

7/10

See Milner above, not in it first half, at all. Second half, one of our best players. Great goal, great movement. The fairest of Fairweather fellas, probably the fairest of them all.

Mo Salah

8/10

Bright spark first half. Exceedingly nice of him to give them the ball back after the non-pen that the ref gave. Brilliant second half. A threat on the half turn, a threat with his back to goal, a threat on the break. A massive threat. Shite pen mind, no more thanks.

Roberto Firmino

7/10

Another who plays well when the team plays well. Good finish for the goal, found space second half and was unlucky with the one he squared for Sturridge.

Daniel Sturridge

7/10

See yesterday’s ratings and the earlier flump statement. It is probably dead hard running with marshmallow as connective tissue. Scored a great goal which probably won us the game all told. Wish he could swap bodies or brains with Moreno.

Subs

Emre Can

Strong gel

Alex Chambo

Good again. Will get a game at Easter.

Dominic Solanke

I like him a lot.

DJ George

2/10 Played Mick Head, which was good then appeared to malfunction, fall on his desk and play about four songs at the same time. Got the subs wrong, blasted feedback all over the show and confirmed that the reds should let him go on a bosman to LA Galaxy and get the Basle disco fella instead.