ALL right, everyone. You know the drill by the now, here are five thoughts on the game of football that happened earlier.
1) Pre-Match
I caught up with Neil Atkinson and Rob Gutmann before the game while Leicester continued their bizarre march to the Premier League title.
Their second goal goes in, securing the points, and most people around us cheer. One fella, who made the mistake of leaving the house wearing a “Normal One” t-shirt, then makes his second mistake of the day by clapping enthusiastically at the television in the corner.
I’ll be honest, I don’t get it.
It’s not that I have anything against Leicester, or the charm of the underdog, or even that I’m a contrarian that doesn’t want everyone else to be happy. It’s none of those things, It’s literally that I don’t get it — i.e. I don’t understand how they’ve done it.
It’s like one of those magic eye paintings.
Everyone else can see a beautiful boat, atop a glistening sea, and all I can see is Jamie Vardy’s bird face and the phrase “Chat Shit Get Banged”.
2) Buy a keeper.
Just before the match, Simon Mignolet went to fist-bump Kolo Toure and missed.
For those of you that didn’t see it, imagine going to hang your shirt in the wardrobe and missing the wardrobe.
3) Madness.
Just before the second half started, Anfield DJ George Sephton played One Step Beyond by Madness. In front of me, a Scandinavian chap got his iPhone out and clicked on the Shazam app to find out what the song was.
That’s weird, I thought.
Of all the ska songs, I would have thought that One Step Beyond would have been a big hit in Scandinavia — mainly on account of it having hardly any words and not being about the socio-economic decline of Coventry.
I was wrong, though. This fella had never heard of it before.
Wanna know something else about One Step Beyond?
In 1992 Madness reformed after a six-year hiatus and played a gig at Finsbury Park in front of 75,000 people. They opened with One Step Beyond and an audience of middle-aged spread started jumping up and down at the same time.
It caused a mini-earthquake and it registered as 4.5 on the Richter scale.
I didn’t tell the fella any of this because a) I thought this information might make his head fall off into the lower Centenary and b) I didn’t want him to think I was a boring prick and tell the rest of Scandinavia about me.
4) Match Review
The fella I sat next to this week was incredibly quiet. To be honest, I don’t mind that as I’m a fairly unreserved sort myself and feel the game doesn’t need commentating on ALL THE TIME.
But this guy, he was next level.
In 90 minutes he said just two words.
It was when Ryan Shawcross passed the ball back to the Stoke keeper and, just before it reached him, it bounced unevenly.
“Nasty bobble,” the man said.
That was it, the only two words he said during the entire game. There were five goals but he was a purist — he came for the inconsistency in the turf and finally got his reward.
I respected him and hope to see him again.
5) All of Divock Origi’s Men
After starting his Liverpool career looking like a goalkeeper who had been sent up front, it’s pleasing to see that Divock Origi now looks like a goalkeeper who has been sent up front that scores goals.
Made up for him to be honest.
As we leave the ground though, all the talk is of Leicester again. Someone to my right says “it’s refreshing” and someone to my left says “you can’t knock them”.
Suddenly, I’m convinced this whole season has been fixed in advance. It’s the only answer for what’s happened, and I decide to “follow the money” just like they do in All The President’s Men.
So here’s the plan.
I’m going to round up all the people who bet on Leicester to win the league in the summer and rendition them to some terrible place, probably Australia, and torture them until they tell me what they knew.
I’m going to wear a Jamie Vardy mask, a t-shirt that says “Chat Shit Get Banged”, and then, right in front of them, I’m going to take all the Walker’s Salt and Vinegar crisps that are in green packets and put them in blue packets where they belong.
They’ll hate that.
Finally, one of them will crack, they’ll tell me they’re ready to talk.
I knew it.
I take off the mask, I’m all ears. At last I’m going to find out how Leicester have done this.
Before me the Leicester fan composes himself as he reconciles the fact that his torture has come to an end and he’s about to unburden himself. He looks awful, a thousand yard stare accompanying the eyes that have long since sunk into the back of his head.
In a moment of guilt, I wonder what I’ve done to him and, in the process, what I have become in my quest for the truth.
But nevermind, the time is now.
He leans forward, takes a deep breath, and then he does it — the cunt sings the ‘Slippy G’ song to me.
Up the jealous Reds.
Next to Liverpool winning, 5 from Fitzgerald is the thing I look forward to most each match.
That probably makes me a little bit sad.
It’s bloody brilliant. Keep it up.
I can’t work it out either their back 4 is made up of journey man yard dogs. Imagine if at the start of the season we signed one of them, heads would of completely gone . For that matter if we had signed any of there lads twitter would of gone into meltdown , the world has gone mad for a season and I wouldn’t be one bit surprised if they were nearer relegation next season than winning it again especially with the champions league to contend with.
You don’t explain why the fella made his ‘second mistake’ by clapping at a Leciester goal, why was that a ‘mistake’?
You then say why you don’t get how they’ve done it but never qualify your judgement of him clapping as a mistake.
I support Liverpool Football Club first second and third — but in this league, this year – we cannot now win the league
When Liverpool Football Club aren’t in the ‘conversation’ for teams competing for the title, I will always support the underdog. This year, Leicester are clearly that
It’s taken me this long but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that I don’t mind Leicester winning it. Mostly because the other option is Tottenham but also because Ranieri seems sound.
But none of it is Liverpool so ultimately who gives a fuck?
Well I agree with your second point – it doesn’t really matter – Liverpool Football Club wining trophies is ALL and nothing else in football really matters
But your first point – yep, for me, given the choice I would have to pick the underdog which is Leicester
Who do you support?
In the title race this year it’s Leicester as I wrote -as they’re the most underdog team competing. But I’m not really that bothered – if Spuds won it then it would be also a breath of fresh air from the City / Chelsea / United / Arsenal usual procession
I’m focusing my energies on us – and Thursday night and chasing Europa League glory this year
Why do you keep calling Liverpool “Liverpool Football Club?”.
I am presuming that the mistake is in clapping at the tv. Why do people do that…?
‘nasty Bobble’ maybe he was referring to your hat martin.
My favourite part of any given match day is when Mignolet goes round all the players before the kick off then spends the next 90 minutes playing like a stranger.
Nobody likes you, Simon. Go away.
Mignolet is the current goalkeeper of Liverpool Football Club. Part of what it means to be a fan of Liverpool Football Club is to get behind the team, and to get behind the manager
That is what makes us different. Our heritage and traditions and our fan-culture and history is a big part of what makes us unque. Scouse and not English, we are a class apart.
This isn’t some shithouse club, this is Liverpool Football Club. Whilst the lads wear the Red shirts, you should get behind the lads. As long as any player represents Liverpool Football Club we are all duty-bound to show our utmost respect and support to that player – (this is why RAWK have no threads on manager speculation) – and it is why we are known as the most knowledgeable and classy supporters in the World.
We are all a part of the Holy Trinity – as Shankly said – so you should uphold the standards and respect of Liverpool Football Club
You’re doing it again. Just “Liverpool” will do
When I was a young lad I always head King Kenny talk about LFC in interviews, he always – without fail – would refer to us as Liverpool Football Club. I guess it’s stuck. But it’s stuck with a lot of fellas too. Stevie G would often refer to us as that too in some interviews. I suppose it is a bit odd as every other team is called Aston Villa or Chelsea etc – maybe it’s to do with the fact that we’re a city and we’re a club and there’s nothing else to distinguish the two.. But the only other example I can think of, Sunderland, have always been a bit up and down, and out of all the clubs in the publics imagination, the is only town and club with the same name
Hmmm I don’t really know how it stuck – but you have to admit it’s hardly the first time you’ve heard it, right?
Simon is pretty shite though
wool
As a shot-stopper he is very good
There are other parts of his game that can be worked on, but the Manager has given him a long contract and he is Our player – we should get behind him rather than berate him.
Na berate him. Berate his head in. Berate him out of here so we can watch someone else keep goal for Liverpool.
“There are other parts of his game that can be worked on”
He’s a mental weakling, that cannot be worked on – you’ve either got it or you haven’t.
If you had a decent goalkeeper you’d be second.
Well as a ‘shot stopper’ hes let ion a lot of er….shots!
Liverpool Football Club eh
Mignolet has improved lately and put in a run of solid performances. When the defence resembled a disaster zone earlier in the season he was edgy and unreliable. Funny that do you think? I’m not sure if you work but let’s say you’re a bus driver. Every time you drive the shitty bus the wheels fall of and you crash. Would it be right to blame you for your shitty driving? Suddenly a new manager comes in a fixes your bus and suddenly you stop crashing. Actually you feel more confident and you slowly becoming a decent driver, congrats.
Fact is mignolet has a five year contract. He’s red. He’s in our nets.
Just want to make this absolutely clear – I would never get on a bus that’s driven by Simon Mignolet.
Thanks.
I would argue that if he sees out that 5 year contract as first choice keeper he will be well on his way to seeing the 4th manager he has worked under out of a job.
Bob Huth and Wes Morgan…Bob Fucking Huth
I’m not one for conspiracy theories but the whole Leicester thing has got me thinking once or twice. You could call it the premierleague TV deal conspiracy. Surely sky want some added drama to justify their massive new outgoings. The mrs says it’s all a soap opera anyway.
How did they decide on Leicester? Perhaps walkers crisps put a bit in on the side. Maybe the big four will never win again. It could be our turn soon!
This is bollocks of course. I doubt sky have enough to bribe sheikh mansour (perhaps the other way around but I’ll leave that thinking to the conspiracy theorists).
Leicester are winning by simply getting on with it. It’s so fantastic because for 20 odd years things have got a little too cosy at top. I was starting to believe perhaps it wasn’t possible to win the thing without being the richest team. But they’re saying fuck off to that. And the given everyone else hope. And despite our history and the near misses, I have not felt the hope that we would win the title any time soon. Of course klopp has been the change at Anfield. But of Leicester can do it this year… Then with klopp at the helm we surely can in the not too distant future. Fuck it, why not next year?
Awesome article again Martin. Up the optimistic reds.
I want JimBob, who refers to us as Liverpool Football Club but also to Stephen Gerrard as Stevie G, to always comment on Martin’s excellent posts…
Top work Martin
Steven George Gerrard – a giant, a colossus, a man who had given so much blood, sweat and tears – nay, even his soul for the Club has been called Stevie or Stevie G for years
You may think calling Liverpool, ‘Liverpool Football Club’ somewhat annoying but I have explained the roots of this common parlance over the last 30 years ( Kenny’s interviews initially OR to distinguish between the Club and the city)
King Kenny, and of course – the heroic and selfless Shankly – these are my lifetime heroes. They gave their heart and soul for the good of the Club
If you’ve a problem with the LFC moniker then you are showing them serious disrespect and must be an OOT or wool or new fan
Rafael “Rafa” Benítez Maudes is another of our shining stars that will forever burn brightly in the dark and foreboding night sky – a star that lights our path to glory and HE would often refer to us as LFC
We shouldn’t argue between ourselves, so I don’t know why you’re worried or affected or annoyed by using our Club’s full name.
We must pull together as Shankly’s Socialism and the Holy Trinity asks of us. A swaying, singing, living and breathing thing – a mass of Red support to LFC whilst coming together in a spiritual alliance which unites the virtuous and offers a great big fuck you to the rest of football – and the rest of our enemies – Thatcher and the Mancs and Whiskey Nose and Sky and neo-liberal, crypto-fascist military-industrial complexes of the Western world.
Us vs The Rest. We are all part of the same Liverpool family – a family apart from the rest of football and the rest of England. Scouse not English. A classy fanbase – with a current classy manager in
Jürgen Norbert Klopp – and a great set of lads playing for us.
The lads need our support on Thursday and at everything game at Anfield. This is Anfield. And it’s our home – our fortress of hope in a world for so-long dominated by Castle Greyskull down the M62.
Let’s not attack each other in the terraces– let’s support our Club. Our lads. Klopp’s lads. These lads, this gang of lads, lads, lads, lads – a gang of assorted multi-millionaire Red-shirted lads BUT casting aside their concerns for their money or their own well-being and playing for the Liver bird – forsaking individual desires for the good of All
For the good of Liverpool Football Club
Jimbob, are you an advanced algorithm?
My ability to laugh out loud every week to this never ceases to amaze me, thanks Martin, brilliant as always…
This might be the best thing I’ve ever read. It’s definitely getting into Europe, no doubt about that.
Worst pint in the comments section = Jimbob
AdamCavo — stop this harassment of me when all I am doing is asking my fellow supporters to ‘support’ our Club, our players and our Manager
I bet you are a neo-liberal Tory Thatcherite wool
Get behind the lads and support Simon – Klopp believes in him and so must we. If we are ever to see our eternal dream of a 19th League title, it will only be achieved by Shankly’s Holy Trinity all coming together as one and uniting to take on all-comers
Believe in the LFC star in the sky that is beginning to shine brightly again
Walk on walk on Simon – YNWA with the true fans
You, AdamCavo – would you have let Luis ‘walk alone’ after his biting ban if Barca hadn’t have bought him?
Would you have cast him aside from the LFC family, because the Sky-backed media had it in for him? Why do it to Simon now? I will criticise his performance if he does badly in the Euros for Belguim, but whilst he continues to wear the Red shirt of Liverpool, I will SUPPORT and not criticise him
I don’t know what has been better, Fitz’s article or JimBobs comments
Thanks!
Just loved:
“I’m going to take all the Walker’s Salt and Vinegar crisps that are in green packets and put them in blue packets where they belong.”
so true!
When my daughter was 5 I made her a packed lunch to take to school. Her fave crisps were cheese and onion so I put a packet of Walkers in but, because she couldn’t read , she didn’t eat them as she thought they were salt and vinegar because they were in a blue pack. I hope Walkers are very proud of the fact THEY MADE A FIVE YEAR OLD GO HUNGRY BECAUSE OF THEIR VOODOO CRISP BAGS!
a most enjoyable read.