WELL, they’re all away. The Anfield Wrap crew have decamped to Dortmund, via Amsterdam, on what Neil Atkinson described to me the other day as a “work experiment”.
No further insight was proffered, leaving me to ponder if said experiment was to see if anyone can get as bladdered as Gibbo on a European away. Well, they haven’t taken me, so they’re up against it from the start.
No, I’m stuck in Blighty (day job stuff and that), a bit like Captain Mainwaring from Dads’ Army fronting the Home Guard. Gareth Roberts asked me to get my late tackle in early — hence my Friday column appearing here on Thursday.
Robbo has picked up on the fact I’m not particularly enamoured by this big Dortmund-Liverpool love-in that is centred around the personality of Jurgen Klopp. He’s been winding me up by sending me sickly Twitter links — the first being Radio 5 Live’s trendy little visual; billing our Europa League quarter-final as the fucking “Klopp Derby”!
Travelling to Dortmund to commentate on…
The Jürgen Klopp Derby
… for @5liveSport.#BVB #LFC#bbcfootball pic.twitter.com/Y6bgCKFBOy
— Conor McNamara (@ConorMcNamaraIE) April 4, 2016
It’s not just the media obsessing over Klopp’s return to the Westfalenstadion, it’s our own fans too; engaging in a cringefest that promises shared singing of You’ll Never Walk Alone and necking from each others’ pints before Dortmund’s most recent Bundesliga trophy is officially transferred to Liverpool wearing red and yellow ribbons and celebrated as number “Neunzehn”.
In the midst of Robbo’s probing, what set me off on this little rant was the image tweeted by a Liverpool Supporters Club (they shall remain nameless, mainly because I can’t find the link) of a pair thick-rimmed Klopp glasses.
Inside the left lens appears the Borussia badge inscription “BVB 09” and circled by the right lens, there’s the Liver Bird, standing like a tart on the street corner. Gerry Marsden, or at least his anthem, is the pimp with “You’ll Never Walk Alone” spanning a yellow and red backdrop.
I half expect a banner of the same, made from Klopp’s foreskin, draped across the Liverpool and Dortmund ends on Thursday night.
If the above comment offends, this isn’t for you. And as my mate, Chris Maguire who has broken his glasses at the match more times than Jürgen Klopp, has said: “I’ve never known a person be defined so much by his wearing of spectacles. Did he invent them?”
@michaeltnevin I've never known a person be defined so much by his wearing of spectacles. Did he invent them?
— Chris Maguire (@chrismaguire73) April 5, 2016
For me, football is all about the needle.
I wasn’t even completely comfortable with the “Friendly Final” tags attached to our Mersey duels with our neighbours Everton, all those years ago. And we had a hell of a lot more in common — unemployment, rag-arse bleak futures and social deprivation — with our blue counterparts than we do with the Borussia Dortmund fanboys who’ve nicked all our frigging songs.
Liverpool fans are at their best when the opposition are seen as the enemy. Witness the recent displays of fervour against Manchester United in the last round. Let’s not get too cosy, eh?
As The Kop has gradually declined over time, we’ve become obsessed (and I’m as guilty as the next man) over the buoyant German fan culture, perhaps forgetting that the “Yellow Wall” is an imitation, albeit a very good one, of what we in Liverpool gave birth to in the 1960s.
Having said that, I’d still be prepared to take me top off and swirl it round my head if, like in Germany, it was about 10p to get in at Anfield.
We know it’s cheap to go the match in Germany, but can we stop going on about the free transport you get with your ticket? The way some go on about this, it’s as though you get a gratis trip to the Moon at half-time and there’s a free pint waiting for you when you get back.
Even if you did, it would pale in comparison to the japes we have around the lift in Block 306 of The Kop where we compare shin injuries suffered in our little haven of unsafe standing. (I might be joking here).
Nonetheless, I’ve come to the conclusion that Dortmund are bad, bad wools. We should steer well clear.
Have you seen the fucking state of that weird mosaic thing they did a few seasons back — with the massive head of a sex tourist appearing behind the goal, peering through binoculars like the World Champion of Peeping Tom-ism?
Again, if you don’t like this, you can lump it. I’d rather be on a silent, freezing Kop moaning my arse off about the size of the tellys in Costco than joining in songs with a loudmouth on a megaphone while fellas around me are dipping sausages in a pint.
I don’t want Liverpool becoming a “hipster” club, even if we currently fulfil the key criteria — being shite. What remains of our fan culture is under threat as it is from visiting oversized Europeans in leather kecks without the rest of our identity being strangled by fellas wearing uncontrollably massive beards.
My dislike for Dortmund dates back to 1966. Just short of a year before I was born when they denied us the only European trophy to elude us – the Cup Winners’ Cup – with the jammiest extra-time goal in history. Ask the old skipper Ron Yeats what he thinks about Dortmund. Have a watch of the video below where the poor fella ends up in the goal, flapping round like a fish caught in a net.
I’ve got personal bad experience with them, too. Back in 2001, after overindulging in a potent cigarette prior to the Dortmund UEFA Cup final against Alaves, I spent 120 minutes fearing I was going to fall out of the steep Nordtribune behind the goal at Signal Iduna Park. It might have been a 5-4 classic but for me I spent most of it in the midst of a “whitey” with my head in my hands.
I’d just about recovered by the time they visited for a Champions League tie later that year and thousands of Dortmunders milled around Liverpool getting bladdered all afternoon.
I thought there might be a chance of a bit of swapping colours (see, it’s alright for me) so I went into town prepared. For some reason, the big Dortmund unit I exchanged a scarf with for an old shirt worn by Torben Piechnik, didn’t seem that impressed. It was only later that I realised I’d played five-a-side in it the night before.
Anyway, before I sign off with you thinking I’m a miserable bastard; here’s the thing. I wish I was there and I’m only messing. If you’re out in Dortmund have a great time. If you’re stuck in front of the telly like me, let’s hope we get a result that makes the second leg a great occasion.
The big Klopp love-in might be convenient for Liverpool and take the edge off the Dortmund crowd. And when we get them back to Anfield, let’s buy them a pint and then scare the living shite out of them.
Thanks for the dose of reality there. I’m not over there, I don’t have a telly and the nearest pub is miles away down a winding country road. It’s a live feed night for me which is the most nerve-wracking way to “watch”.
YNWA
Think this is such a whiney piece. Currently en route to Dortmund for the game and I can’t wait for it.
‘Why I’m not loving’ could start any Nevin article
Great stuff Mike, nailed it – no club we play against should be our pals. And this obsession with German fan culture has gone too far. ‘Look, they jump and sing the whole game’. Yeah, but as you point out, the whole thing is a bit scripted and they don’t even seem interested in the game.
Anfield’s atmosphere may not be great all the time, but at least there’s a sense that the crowd is watching the game and responding to what happens, rather than just droning independent of the action on the field. Give me that any day of the week.
Let’s beat these twats and then be respectful to them after.
And when I say ‘twats’, it’s tongue in cheek of course!
In the midst of a whitey
This is our opportunity where the world’s eyes are watching us like a young Manhattan ad exec in a well heeled bar, newly promoted mind you. Little unsteady in a new Armani (the proper patrons would have noticed it was still off the rack) we order our drink (neat. don’t let a god damn drop of water touch that whiskey) check the creases on our slacks (didn’t see that old peroxide widower making eyes at us, bullet dodged) but still the eyes are different and judging and we feel each of their black pitiless centeea boring into us and there’s something strange and unfamiliar about it all.
Turning to the elegant woman next to me (it takes a certain class of lady to wear a dress like that you know, she’s giving me and us the shivers)
Glance at the yellow and black striped stockings? What the, who the hell does she think she is we ask self-servingly fingering the Liverbird badge hidden under Egyptian Cotton. Is she German? A hipster who found a good deal on some used tights but still paid far too much? Looks like Dortmund and she moves the way I always imagined women do. Graceful and flowing.
One drink down and Dortmund on my mind. Think those stockings are silk? Could she actually be Austrian trying to pull a fast one?
But she’s confidence personified and this bar is home for her. None of those pathetic tricks to attract woman you’ve been trying to update over the years since graduation will work on this witch.
Mumbles something about Brazilian Magic and notice she glances at me. Shit. What kind of Brazilian did she think I meant?
Philistine. She probably thought I was only talking about Coutinho I chuckle, maybe Bobby Firmino posts up in their half of the field tonight.
This beautiful elegant woman has clearly had enough of my bullshit. The Liverpool neurosis is too obvious and maybe I forgot deodorant. None of us is used to mastering on such a grand level. It’s been awhile.
She smiles one of those friendly but wary German smiles with maybe a hint of scorn and my face flushes crimson.
While she slinks away all elegant curves and light brown hair I take out my phone to erase this comment.
Instead just win.
Flirting with a Dortmund girl is like asking for pity sex. Unless we win.
Please win, Dortmund is beautiful.
Brilliant as always Matthew, let me know when you’re next in town mate. I’d love to have a pint with you.
This is being worked on, though a couch that doesn’t smell like Scouse would also be appreciated on my fairly fixed income.
But I’m never gonna say no to beer. It’s been tried too many times before.
Great stuff Matthew, breathlessly nuts (and quite brilliant), now bugger off, you’re .the rest of us look bad! (just joshing mate – keep up the good work:) You may even have inspired me to write something….when I finish my History M.A next month, (of course I mean IF, I ever finish this dissertation). Good on yer’.
correction – *Making* (the rest of us look bad) – I think I’m with you on the proof reading! :)
Alright, rock on!
Totally agree Mike. Bank on the money ( oh dear now you know I’m a wool) cough boss that.
I was discussing the other day what clubs/game would make a half and half scarf acceptable? This game comes the closest, but Nah… still out of order!
Sat in the airport (arrivals lounge waiting for the family sadly) chuckling away at this piece, cheers for all the weird looks am getting Mike!
Fuck em. Us against them
Understand the sentiment but for me any ill-feeling against them is contrived. They are a great deserving of admiration and respect. Their atmosphere is astonishing and there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that.
There’s been too much made of the fact it’s Klopp’s return, to the point that he is uncomfortable with it.
It will be a brilliant occasion and it’s what football’s all about.
Come on the Reds.
*a great club
Football is at its best when its a tribal affair. But not all tribes are going to hate each other. May the best man win, as long as he’s wearing red!!
Just slapped £181 on the company credit card to upgrade my pre-booked train ticket from Euston to get back to Liverpool in time for Kick Off. No idea how this game will go.
Lovely article. Come on you Redmen!
Hopefully we´ll be the potent cigarettes over two legs to leave Dortmund in the midst of a whitey
Potent cigarettes. Well played my friend.
I’m in Dortmund but watch the game on the telly. Bunch of wools is right.
When the reds draw, Mike Nevin draws
“I don’t want Liverpool becoming a “hipster” club, even if we currently fulfil the key criteria — being shite. What remains of our fan culture is under threat as it is from visiting oversized Europeans in leather kecks without the rest of our identity being strangled by fellas wearing uncontrollably massive beards.”
Well, you gotta be fair: It is the way of English journos to go from black to white. I think Simon Hughes mentioned this also lately. So don’t rage against the commendation of German fan culture. Better against journos who don’t know about shades of grey.
Besides, “being shite” doesn’t get you in the quarter finals of the EL, I reckon.
About the hipsters invading? Guess LFC got a lot of history and hence attracts a world wide fan base.
The time I went the first time to the Bayern exercise ground at Saebener Street over 30 years ago, Bayern was more or less a local affair. Now, we got Bayern Munich “supporters” all around the globe, because they are successful and/or got tradition as well.
So, dare me to complain about the hipsters or FCB China (or wherever) fans, because first of all, they pay for the expensive transfer blunders and secondly they are responsible for the worldwide “standing” of the club. Tickets make up about 5% of the total revenues. So the Kop alone won’t get you a Sturridge or Goetze – it is the cash of those smelly foreigners who dare to support your beloved LFC.
(Hence I use the “Neutral” in my nick not to pretend I am a livelong LFCsupporter – though having been based in London I always favoured this EPL club. The truth is, I hate Guardiola, as capable as he may be and I adore Klopp for the last 15 years. Mainz, Dortmund, you name it. I “fell in love” right after Mainz got promoted and long before he was a TV darling.) If you want the likes of me to f’off, just tell me and I won’t bother you anymore. Just thought an outsider’s view might be appreciated every now and again.
Just personally I think that supporters of truly “big” clubs should be proud of their international fanbase and not trying to UKIP them out.
That being said, I understand your anger towards “social media supoorters” from abroad, pretending to be more Scouse than Shankley’s dog. But you do generalise a lot, I think. – Also my apologies for stupid compatriots complaining about missing umlauts. So long.