EVENING, everyone.
You should know how this works now – a football match takes place, we win, and I have five thoughts.
So make a cup of tea, or even better a milkshake, and give me four minutes of your time.
1) The day got off to a weird start when a fella next to me in a hotel put melon on his full English.
I know.
I couldn’t quite believe what I was seeing so, because I’m 45 years old and incredibly mature, I waited till he went to get an orange juice so I could take a photo of it. Here it is:
Note: He didn’t have bacon either, and I can definitely confirm there was some available.
I have to admit that, up to this point, I was fully intending to vote to stay in the EU. But now I’ve seen what could happen to our breakfasts I’m full on Brexit from here.
2) Prior to the game I listened to Scott 4 by Scott Walker about five times and by the time I arrived at the ground my mood was, shall we say, somewhat aloof. While everyone else was foaming at the mouth and ready to explode, I was regretting that I’d come out without a velvet smoking jacket.
And then I saw Marouane Fellaini and I wanted to invade Belgium.
3) I wasn’t sure if it was penalty or not for our first goal. I asked Rob Gutmann’s six-year-old son at half time and he confirmed it was because “the Man United player tried to strangle Clyne’s head”.
He hasn’t done any refereeing courses, as far as I know, but his opinion will definitely do for me.
4) I’ve worked out what’s so weird about those officials behind the goal — they don’t have anything to do with their hands.
I think they should be allowed to smoke or something, or have a little flag so they can wave to their mate at the other end. Otherwise they just look like a couple of fellas waiting for someone to invent a smart phone.
5) The second goal went in and the place goes bananas. Everyone twirls their scarves above their head and even a flare goes off in the Main Stand — the strangest thing I’ve seen since someone had a melon on his full English.
As I walked out the ground, I passed one of those old fellas, one of those “seen it all types” that can’t write a shopping list without invoking Shankly:
Eggs
Bacon
Bastion of Invincibility
Milk
Cheese
Team from Mars
Fun-size pack of Mars
Melon (optional)
Holy Trinity
As everyone was getting carried away with their own excitement and cheer, he wisely surveyed the impudence of youth before him and declared: “It’s only half time. Remember, it’s only half time.”
What a prick, I thought. It’s full time and we won 2-0.
Up the Reds.
That melon feller, bet he was a Yank. You should see the shite they pile on the same plate at Shoney’s.
Across the Mason-Dixon line they’d have had all that and then covered it in Grits. And they think we’re weird.
To be fair though, they have the second finest breakfast in the world – Biscuits & Gravy.
Agree with that. Strange combos Americans fit their plates with. Just thought about that two days ago over here. – Apart from that, the match was utterly enjoyable.
It’s not only the combos it’s the way the big fellers stack the plate like the clay mountain in ‘Close Encounters’.
I’m still buzzing. Worked all day with me oppo who’s a diehard Manc. Oh did he get it big time … he’s made up it’s the weekend so he can get away from me.
Possibly that was FSG’s very own mythical “Laptop Guy” breakfast? :)
Major lolz.
Felliani might be a worse human being than some of the United fans and I don’t say that lightly. He’s certainly a dreadful footballer. Lets all talk about why penalties are given for fouls in the box though! Should have done him a favour and thrown the flare at his fucking stupid head.
Remember when Everton spent their record amount on him from Standard Liege a few days after he just went around Anfield booting people in a champions league qualifier? No wonder they’re yet to win shite all this century.
Made up beyond belief. Gonna buy Gutmann’s 6 year old a pint off the back of that analysis.
Sir, you continue to top yourself, please carry on.
Pretty witty and wry article there Martin. I will seek your writing out in future on the website, keep up the good work. Up da Red men
Scott 4 before a match? Are you insane? Still, could have been worse, could have been Plague Songs.
Like this team under Klopp, best performance yet.
I wonder where you’d be if that bloke hadn’t chosen the melon though.
Nice article but if you think that’s a full English try the brekkie in Shiraz on North John Street in town.
Up the fat Reds.
The melon fella, was he hungover? Desperate for something to rid him of the fuzzy head? Seems he’s trying everything, and in small doses – all signs of a hangover.
Bacon mate, pile it high – works every time. Shove your melon – I’m off for a coffee and bacon roll (my head’s a bit fuzzy this morning)
What a day, what a hangover – utd fan opposite me embarrassed by own fans, desperate for us to go through so that LVG is out. Sh*te state of affairs – great eh?
I was walking away from the ground so happy that we thoroughly played them off the park in every position bar goal keeper and yet…. yet. I still walked thinking it should be done. It isn’t done. They will come at us in the second leg. 2-0 is a scary scoreline. It’s a good one but it can make you over confident. It should have been 4-0 lights out. Lets just hope we get an early one there.
Is that hotel in the photo The Hope Street?
Surprised you weren’t listening to ‘Tilt’.
Great match and I was oddly happy and disappointed at the same time
Should have been 4-0 and out of sight.
FYI – fruit is pretty common at breakfast outside the British isles (I wasn’t sure you were serious or tongue in cheek there)
Great article nonetheless
These are amazing. So funny. Brings a little bit more sunshine into my day.
Up The Reds.
Hi Martin,
Scott 4! Try “Drinking Songs-Matt Elliot”. I made this mistake
yesterday. Felt pastoral after it. Not what yer after!