ALBERT Stubbins, Jackie Balmer, Roger Hunt, Kevin Keegan, Kenny Dalglish, Ian Rush, Robbie Fowler, Michael Owen, Fernando Torres, Luis Suarez, Daniel Sturridge.
Goals, Goals, Goals. Red nets bulging.
Rickie Lambert, Fabio Borini, Mario flaming Balotelli. Well, these three fellas — a hearty Scouser and two Italians, each likeable in their own unique way — should feel a measure of shame to appear in the same column; so lads, I’m doing you a big favour here but don’t read on. Brendan, too, if you’re reading, cover your eyes, mate.
The statistic that inspired me to take this line this week is this: Liverpool’s specialist strikers, the abovementioned motley trio (they can hardly be called a crew), plus the stricken Sturridge have scored eight — that’s “8”, as per the BBC teleprinter when disbelief might prevail — Premier League goals between them, while Everton’s back four (Baines, Coleman, Jagielka, and Stones) have scored nine. The Blues defenders are hardly clones of Derek Mountfield (look him up, lads) but it appears they have more of a clue where the onion bag is than our lot. It’s just a shame for The Ev there’s no trophy for moderately potent back fours.
What do you picture when conjuring up 2014-15 images of Lambo, Balo and Fabio?
For Rickie, maybe if we’re being kind, it’s him running, wide-eyed, into our end after scoring at Villa. It would be churlish also, not to mention his neat beard. If we’re being mean, it’s his headlong stumble into the turf near The Paddock on that dark November day against Chelsea. Just for the record, he slotted one at Palace as well.
For Balo, it is endless pictures and cryptic YNWA messages on Instagram; the piece de resistance being the one where he’s got a thermometer in his gob. One league goal — at home to Spurs — has come at a cost of £19.24million pounds, accounting for his fee and salary combined. They say there are lies, damned lies and statistics but there’s an unpalatable truth in that one.
For Fabio, there’s a lovely pair of salmon kecks as part of a Grand National ensemble that are a good deal more striking than his solitary league goal — also at Villa. And his very attractive Scouse girlfriend who clearly doesn’t fancy the biting Sunderland wind. Can’t say I blame her to be honest; I prefer the River Mersey to the River Wear and I’m not fussed about getting me hands into pink trousers unless they’re on a lady.
So, we’ve got four league goals to drool over from these lads. That’s two in 21 games for Lambert, one in 16 for Balotelli, one in 12 for Borini. Four goals in 49 league appearances, which equates to one goal every 12.25 games. What a gang of knobheads!
They say the red shirt is heavy. Well, it must weigh about 20 stones if we account for the figures below:
Before signing for Liverpool, Lambert scored 115 goals in 229 games for Southampton and had registered 218 career goals.
Balotelli had 30 goals in 54 appearances for AC Milan, 30 in 80 for title-winning Man City, and 28 in 86 for Internazionale.
Borini was relatively unproven but still had 10 in 26 games for AS Roma in Serie A, six from 12 for Swansea and got 10 in 40 while on loan to The Mackems.
What the bloody hell happens to them as they walk under the “This is Anfield” sign? If Brendan Rodgers coached an extra 20 goals a season into Luis Suarez (he only scored 11 league goals under Kenny Dalglish) and developed Sturridge into a Liverpool record-breaker, what on God’s earth (or Melwood) have this lot been hearing from the Reds’ management this season. Are there any nets at the training ground? Do we need to send for Steve Peters again, or instead call on a priest or a witch doctor?
Suffice to say, these acquisitions, two of which feature Brendan Rodgers’ fingerprints and the other a whiff of blind panic from the transfer committee have been a calamity for Liverpool. Jokes aside, Lambert appears to have aged five years in barely nine months, is scarcely mobile and offers nothing more than an honest fit lad off The Kop. Bought as back up while Suarez was still around, the League Cup should have been his limit, but we’ve been forced to witness an overnight descent into middle age in 21 league appearances.
Borini, over two-and-a-half seasons at Anfield, has appeared no more than a willing runner, an occasionally useful decoy, with a shot as weak as piss. Never has a lad looked more panicked in a red shirt; his honest constant movement reminiscent of a burglar on the run.
Balotelli is, for me, is the myth of all myths. An enigma; a frustrated talent? No, not in my book. From what I’ve seen of him in a Liverpool shirt; he’s absolutely shit. I’ve no issue with his work rate; he’s not lazy. He does plenty of sprints, but mainly at the wrong time into the wrong areas. He seems a bright young chap, but he has no football brain.
All season I’ve heard the lids claim “But laaaad, he’ll probably blam one in from 30 yards in the Derby/United game/semi-final.” Well, he hasn’t has he? He hasn’t blammed one in from further than six yards. His shooting is bloody awful. I’ve listened to fans talk of his great touch and technique, but I see no natural aptitude for putting the ball in the back of the net. Apparently, he’s good on FIFA.
At Hull on Tuesday came the nadir. Showing, but then disappearing for Emre Can’s throw-in, we concede a corner. From the scraps, the Reds’ back line move out in a cohesive unit and, at first glance, catch three Hull players, and Michael Dawson offside. That is until one’s brain computes the lumbering dozy-arse presence of Balotelli playing them all onside. Mario Fantastico. Later, given the chance to atone, he managed to run away from Glen Johnson’s inviting cross, resembling a shoplifter legging it out of the Asda. Balotelli Allez.
Mario Sconcerti, writing in Corriere della Sera, neatly summed up the Balotelli phenomenon as “the strange talent of making everyone happy when he arrives and even happier when he leaves”. Amen, brother.
It’s hardly a wonder we’re struggling. Last season we scored over 100 league goals. Oh, for those heady days and nights. Brendan has to take some responsibility for the lame ducks who’ve replaced the majesty of Suarez and the Sturridge who danced.
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Moreover though, the blame lies with the owners and/or the transfer committee for only recruiting the impotent trio we speak of. Given the state of Sturridge’s hamstrings, groins, thighs and hip, and on the evidence of the autumn, it was sheer neglect to trot out the “difficult market” excuse in January. Both of the erstwhile SAS were mid-season recruits for Christ’s sake.
It is a wonder we’re fifth in the table. It is a wonder we’ve even contemplated a top-four finish. If FSG can’t see neglect, perhaps they’ll recognise folly in the only currency they understand. Refusal to replace the three “unlikely lads” has cost you forty mil, chaps.
Buy us a fucking striker, preferably two. Ones that can shoot and that. In the meantime, I’m off into the garden to blam one in from 30 yards.
See yers next week.
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Pics: David Rawcliffe-Propaganda-Photo
Balotelli and Lambert were all wrong signings in hindsight, and Borini is a lad with great movement who’s shit at finishing, a poor man’s Javier Hernandez
Couple with our best striker being injured all the time and uncertain whether he can ever recover his best form, we are looking well fucked even going into next season
I’m okay with Ings coming in if we splash absolute motherfucking cash on a top striker, otherwise he underwhelms me hugely. I also think he’s a cock as well so would rather not have him around our club, but ah well
Speaking of Javier Hernandez, if he isn’t a manc and he’s available for the 10 mil Euros being bandied around I’d do it. Alas
And people who are calling for Benteke, two target men have failed at Liverpool this season, why would a third one be different?
TBF, Benteke can run and generally in the right direction.
He will cost loads, like loads, I bet Villa would ask for insane amounts, like 25 mil
I’m so sick of us buying from the English league, the most overpriced overrated and overpaid bunch of footballers in the whole wide world
Most teams we come up against seem to have forwards who possess some kind of presence.Even the lower teams have at least one player who makes you a bit apprehensive when the ball is near them.Our lads all look a bit shy and polite (like what I did there? take away “and pol” and pronounce it!).
What we need is a threatening and intimidating character.Somebody who looks the part and strikes the fear of God into opponents and anybody else in the vicinity.Somebody with a strong physical appearance.
Anybody got Purple Aki’s phone number?
Clever. A pseudo tmesis, which is a linguistic device in which you insert another word in the middle, like ‘abso-fucking-lutely’, or, in the words of the estimable Jo Brand, S-cunt-horpe.
While on words, can anybody tell me when and why ‘bewk’ became ‘buck’, and hewk’ became ‘huck’ on Merseyside? Is TV responsible or are we trying to talk posh.
Hi Kevin,the word you’re looking for is a “portmanteau” as in smoke and fog = smog!
Hope this helps with your studies.
Just another thing Kevin (tapped “post” accidently!) but please correct me if I’m wrong;English isn’t my first language.Apologies!
Thing is Mike. This is all so obvious yet it seems to have gone over the heads of most Liverpool supporters. Don’t get me wrong, Rodgers has surprised me this month with his ineptitude but he’s had his hands tied to a degree. We simply have no one to score. I was a little surprised at their records elsewhere and made me question what happens to them but with our midfield they’re the wrong fit. It might be a cliché that goals win games but I think there’s an element of truth in it.
Sometimes I wonder if LFC and Rodgers are even able to buy talent? I have a sense that they are better able to develop talent than buy made men. I have a similar feeling with Wenger at Arsenal. With that being said, I’d love to see some insight on the developing players that we have at LFC, for example, Yesil and Origi (on loan). I wonder how we would fare next year with new, hungry U21s on the team sheet. I don’t think it’s the answer for our troubles, but it may help a bit.
I wonder how we would fare next year with new, hungry U21s on the team sheet. I don’t think it’s the answer for our troubles, but it may help a bit.
Couldn’t hurt, could it? We’d probably get as much out of them as we got out of our strikers this season, at least.
Just posing another question. How is it we can generally accept managers need a couple to three years to show if they’re going to be good enough but we can write players off in less than one.
Suarez took three years to show his absolute best, Henderson and Lucas have both improved dramatically over the years, even skrtel has become far more consistent.
Also would like to ask has Moreno or lallana in their first year looked markedly better than cissohko or Moses last season?
I think the transfer strategy has to change. choose one position you want improved, striker the obvious one this season identify your targets and get the one as high on your list that is possible. Time we stopped the mass arrivals or clear outs, we won’t improve year on year if the manager has to teach his game to half the squad every year. If you only have to teach one or two players surely it will be easier to bed them in. (funny brendans successfull transfers are considered coutinho and sturridge who arrived together, and his flops have arrived in large groups.)
Last night the U21s showed us just what is so lacking with the senior side – spirit and speed. Ryan Kent’s pair of strikes were technically better than anything Sterling has done this season, never mind Balo, Borini and Lambert.
I’d be happy enough to see Kent, Ojo and Sinclair get some game time in the final few games.
LFC should have thrown as much money at Lille as it would have taken to release him early. Playing with Coutinho and Sterling he’d have bagged a few goals by now I’m sure of it. Maybe he could have been the difference between CL and EL.
Made me laugh that but couldnt agree more (Balotelli is shit and can’t shoot). The burgular analogy for Bornin was class!
Top players won’t be interested in playing under Rodgers. He’s done nothing, looks inept in Europe (i.e. doesn’t know what he’s doing), and won fuck all. The only way to overcome that is to pay massive wages, which isn’t going to happen under FSG.
Last year was a near perfect storm of top 4 clubs fucking up, we failed to take advantage when it counted. Now we’re looking at finishing 6th or 7th.
It’s utterly depressing, particularly as the games this year have been pretty dull and mostly shit, regardless of the results.
Has anyone seen much of Serie A?, particularly Dybala and Icardi? Like to see some South American aggression and street smarts not to mention talent up there. Is it still harder to be prolific in Serie A compared to Ligue 1? Thinking of Lacazette, haven’t had much success with French players bar Sahko.
Owners always have to be vary of wages to turnover and ffp, but shifting Gerrard and Johnson, should free up wages to compete to secure some of the emerging talents across Europe, not potential, but not top either.
With some of Rogers statements of late, demonstrates the sheer pressure of managing LFC , 25 years, only Mgr not win a trophy in 3 years, I think Kenny understood this better and bagged a Cup.
Its important FSG makes decisions on retaining Brendan or bvringing in new Mgr quickly or will affect targets as they don’t know who will be in charge.
One of the most important people at LFC is Billy Hogan, done a good job, more commercial revenue than Arsenal. Simply needs to whore out the club around the World to increase turnover and fleece sponsors for anything Liverpool.
It doesn’t necessarily sit well with me but that’s how it is. Utd spent ridiculous wages to attract players last season and this but had the lowest wages to turnover due to there huge commercial deals, they are even out of the mire the Glazers put them in, cost over £700m in interest but the club can carry it. We have to follow suit but are playing catch up due to our short sighted ownership at the start of the Premier League era.
It was not just about Ferguson Martin Edwards was huge for Utd.
Mario: the anti-Suarez.
So, BR is responsible for Suarez scoring as many goals as he did last season? Same with Sturridge? What piece of evidence of causality other ‘concurrence’ do you for that claim?
I don’t agree with the assessment of Borini. It smacks of ‘confirmation bias’. The same as with Aspas.
Anyone that doesn’t work out or not perform under Rodgers: HIS fault. Anyone who DOES perform under Rodgers: Rodgers’ coaching, praise Rodgers.
Circular much?
No evidence at all. I don’t buy the myth that Rodgers develops youth. Markovic might demur, too. You can’t class Sterling and Ibe as Rodgers creations, they were bought by his predecessor Nd developed by the clubs system which he neither set up nor particularly nourishes.
Before Shankly we were a faded football team struggling to get out of the old second division. After Shankly we became a force again. Under Paisley, Fagan, we were a benchmark, under RAFA we were the team nobody wanted to meet. Under Brendan Rodgers we are a team nobody fears. What used to be fortress Anfield is now just another St. James’s Park, with owners who care only a little bit more than Ashley.
Saying ‘We never looked likely to score’ is a damning indictment on him. He picks the team and the tactics, and look at the forwards he’s brought in (be it his choice or not, they were brought in under his watch):
Borini
Aspas
Sturridge
Yesil
Lambert
Balotelli
There’s a fair few quid been spent there… But ‘we never looked likely to score’. Never will either with those.
yea FSG’s fault. Splash 50 mil combined for Lovren when we already have a much better Sahko and aka shit Lallana. Rodgers boys. But yea bitch at FSG.